The Wheelchair

Today as I sat in my room staring at my new wheelchair, I couldn’t help but snarl at it. It seems to me, the enemy. Over the last 7 years in my weak moments when I start to lose it, you could ask what I’m afraid of and it’s never death; it’s always getting worse. It’s always losing my independence. It’s always the idea of having seizures every day, having to be artificially fed or hydrated and last, but not least, being in a wheelchair. This week I have hit all of those top three things.  The hydration thing I’m long since used too, the seizure thing is scary, but not new, but the wheelchair... I can hear the ominous music building in the background as I type. Dum Dum DUM!  Why does this one thing bother me so much? Especially since it’s only temporary as I heal from a fall.

Perusing Facebook I came across an article that gave me a window into why I think the wheelchair freaks me out so much. (For your later enjoyment: http://storylineblog.com/2013/08/23/angelina-jolies-breasts-and-the-bravery-of-letting-go/?utm_content=buffer9fe4b&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Buffer )

Those of you close to me will nod your head in amusement at this next part and the rest of you may think I’m crazy, but I have a walk, a VERY specific walk. I walk with power and intent always.  No matter how sick I am or where I’m going, I walk with authority (even if it’s all in my head).  My walk is a big deal to me.  It’s one of the main things the significant romantic men in my life have loved about me.  In a wheelchair, I have no swagger, I have no authoritative strut, I have no feminine glide…I just roll along; worse, I’m pushed along! No independence. 

I hate it that I care, but BOY, DO I CARE!  Today I put much thought into my outfit and shoes and how they would look sitting down.  I took the time and energy to put my hair up.  I even went so far as to make my first stop out of the house buying new lip gloss. I wanted to look as put-together and feminine as I could if I was going to have to go through the day without MY walk.  Sigh… such silliness.

As the end of the article states:

“…what would happen if we began to pray for the confidence, and the grace, to let go?”

I like it that I have a Whitney walk. I think its okay that I have a Whitney walk, but my walk is neither who I am nor what defines me. Sure, it gives a pretty particular first impression, but it’s not all of me.  A HUGE part of being ill is learning to adjust. I need to adjust to this new reality. I need to get over myself and “let go” and learn ways to be me IN or out of a wheelchair.

And so, “ I pray for the confidence, and the grace to let go” and be the woman God made me to be, standing or sitting.

And now I’m going to go sit in my awesome new wheelchair, wearing my batman shirt, and listen to Katy Perry’s new song Roar, (it’s ok if you’re not a KP fan; it’s a good song for this moment) and remember that even without my strut, God made me a strong woman, who at the end of it all needs only the love of my God to be confident. 

Old Writings.

This is this first time I've been on this sight in a very long time. I've decided to catch it up a bit by copying over blogs I wrote on FB and just dating them as I go. So forgive the many many posts all at once.
Just trying to get back in the swing of writing.

15 Things to Remember When Going to the Hospital for ANY Reason

15 Things to Remember When Going to the Hospital for ANY Reason

December 30, 2012 at 5:46pm

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15 Things to Remember When Going to the Hospital for ANY Reason
by Whitney Ranae Heeres
12-27-12

All of us have been to a hospital a time or two and I’m sure you are all aware that a trip to that building for ANY reason tends to end up being a much bigger and longer deal than you had anticipated. A simple drug test before a new job can mean two hours in a waiting room watching soap operas. An x-ray for a sore ankle can quickly turn into a full body exam. Even a big thing like surgery can be more detailed than you were ready for.
I have been in and out of hospitals more times than I can count, so I thought I would share with you some of the wit and wisdom I have learned over the years.  Hospital visits don’t have to be overwhelming or traumatizing IF you are properly prepared.

1. Always Bring a Book - Why lug around a heavy book when all waiting rooms have magazines? Well, they have magazines alright! On the rack are three health magazines with pictures of smiling “celebrities” you’ve never even heard of. The covers sport article titles like Why Pregnant Women Crave Dirt and How Clean Are Your Petrie Dishes, Really?  Not interested? No problem. On the table next to you is a nice stack of pamphlets on what to expect during a prostate exam.
Please, bring a good book!

2. SHAVE – I know, I know, you’re just going in for some blood work - a fast prick in the arm and you’re out of there, right? Wrong! Next thing you know, you’re in a skimpy hospital gown that doesn’t even cover your knees, sitting in a waiting room that doubles as the hallway to the bathroom. In five minutes six people have had the opportunity to enjoy your stubble, including the maintenance man changing the light bulb next to you.
Guys, about three pretty nurses and one less-than-pretty doctor are going to have their hands on your face before you go home. Their hands get enough exfoliation as it is.  SHAVE!


3. Groom Your Toenails - You would be shocked at how many times I have been lying on a gurney being prepped for surgery and someone has taken that solemn moment as an opportunity to complement the color of my toenails.
Guys, keep ‘em clean!  You’re in a hospital. If someone gets a peek at that green stuff on the side of your toe, you may leave the hospital with one less phalange!

4. Bring Snacks – It’s one o’clock, you just ate lunch and won’t be hungry for hours. Two o’clock rolls around and a Snickers bar sounds good, but no big deal.  Three o’clock, and all the diabetic people around you are being brought a snack. Suddenly the hospital goes from smelling like sweat and antiseptic to smelling like a Crispy Cream and you cannot remember the last time you craved a cookie quite this badly.  No, you may not take anything off of someone else’s tray, even if you have convinced yourself that they aren’t gonna make it!

5. Don’t Paint Your Fingernails - You know those little heartbeat thingamajiggies (Pulse Oximeters) they clip on your finger before they have even asked your name? Turns out those don’t work very well through fingernail polish. It’s only a matter of time before your polish will be removed, but not from everywhere…oh no, only your index fingers, so you wander around the rest of the day looking like an airhead who missed a nail. Just skip that bit of girlyness and save the orderly some trouble.

6. Bring Stuff to Entertain – Someone’s with you, right? Maybe it’s your mom or your husband or the person you fell on when you passed out in Meijer. It doesn’t matter who they are; they are always more bored than you are. If you have the luxury of knowing you are going to the hospital ahead of time, bring stuff with you - a crossword book, a deck of cards, a small game… you would be amazed at what kind of trouble an otherwise well-behaved grown-up can get into during hour number three in a small room covered with buttons that say, “Don’t Touch!”
-
7. Never Wear Your Favorite Clothes - The nurse taking your blood is competent, capable and well trained, but she’s rushed. Accidents happen, and I hate to even say this, but blood coming out of a needle tends to squirt like a ketchup bottle. White is never a good idea.  Also, you know that smell you dread at hospitals? It lasts! Your dry-cleaner is going to get the wrong idea of your social life when you bring in your favorite wool coat smelling like alcohol and vomit. Wear stuff you can strip off fast and throw in the wash when you get home.

8. Bring a Detailed Medication List– There is this crazy communication vortex that seems to happen at hospitals that causes all information to be lacking in validity two minutes after it’s given. This means that you are going to be asked the same questions over and over again.  Having a thorough list of your medications and their dosages makes things run much more smoothly.  It’s hard to pronounce some of those meds and, “Um, maybe two?” is not an acceptable answer to how many milligrams something is.

9. Always Wear Socks – It’s summer and you look amazing in your new sandals, but hospitals have a complex about bare feet. If you don’t already have socks on, then when you are handed your ever flattering hospital gown, you will also be handed a fresh pair of socks. They come in one size and one color:  huge and ugly. They also have this shockingly big seam at the end that would drive even the least OCD person crazy.

10. Bring Your Doctor’s Business Card – His name is John Johnson, but the lady checking you in keeps asking you if that’s spelled with one “L” or two.  He is also from the hospital you are currently in, but no one seems to have heard of him and you don’t happen to have his phone number memorized.  Having his business card is gonna come in really handy right about now.

11. Wear Big Underwear -  Trust me, when that old guy is giving you an exam or you’re getting your first (and hopefully only) semi-nude photo shoot done in the x-ray room, you are going to be happy you have some extra coverage!

12. Don’t Take Any Medications on Your Way to the Hospital – Ever had your stomach pumped? Well, me either, but I saw it once on Diagnosis Murder and it wasn’t pretty. One of the first questions you are going to be asked at the hospital is when you took your pills last. If your answer even hints at recently, the dude behind the computer is going to flash you this look that you saw last on your mother when your father forgot their anniversary. Hospitals like to be in control of your medication while you are there and the longer it’s been since you have taken anything, the more in control they feel. Having said that, you’d better ask; the staff will know best what meds you can take and when. I don’t want anyone going into some sort of shock because you’re overdue for a med thanks to me!

13. Go Ahead, Laugh! – The hard-of-hearing man down the hall trying to remember all the words to our national anthem…is funny.  The nurse who just ran head-first into a door she thought would open automatically…is funny. (Oh yeah, I have so seen this done.)  The fact that you are sitting in an ER right now because you thought you were still a pro at skating backwards (15 years later)…is funny!  Yes, the hospital can be a very somber place (so laugh quietly), but you are not at a funeral. Go ahead, laugh!  After all, laughter does good like a medicine, right? You may just speed up your recovery time!

14. Have Your Pharmacy’s Fax # - You’re on your way home from the hospital. It’s been a long day and you are dreaming of being a couch-potato the rest of the evening, but first you have to stop quickly and pick up those new meds. You brave the bitter windstorm that came out of nowhere just as you pulled in and go into the pharmacy only to discover that they have no record of your prescription. After a quick lesson in detective work, you learn that your script was sent to the Walgreen’s in Springfield, Ohio instead of the Walgreen’s in Springfield, Indiana. To top it all off, the doctor who wrote the script left for the weekend five minutes ago. You’re out of luck till Monday.  The only thing left to do is pray that rash just goes away on its own.


15. Smile – Hospitals are one of the darkest places. No one is there for a happy reason. Even the nurses all seem to be having a hard day. A smile can make all the difference in the world.  It’s human nature that the Docs are going to be more eager to care for you if you have a good disposition, but it’s so much more important than that.  While you’re in the hospital, no matter the reason or timeline, you have an opportunity to be a light.  Give the staff a break. You don’t know what they have gone through today. They are the people that get to give the families the bad news that someone has cancer; they are the people that have to clean up after someone didn’t make it to the bathroom in time; they are the people that have to deal with the kid that bites and won’t sit still for a shot that will save his life. Even the cafeteria ladies have been dealing with upset people all day who take out their frustration and worry on them.   Not everyone in a hospital gets to save a life, but you get to save your attitude, and that can make or break someone else’s day.  I know you’re in pain; I know you don’t want to be there; but take this rare opportunity to make a difference in the world. Smile! 

A look into the depths of Whitney’s journal

A look into the depths of Whitney’s journal

June 28, 2013 at 9:55pm

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I’m titling this journal entry Why I Love You.  People have been really getting on my nerves lately and that has forced me to choose between sitting here annoyed and focusing on what I appreciate about the people in my life.  Since being annoyed annoys me, I’ve decided to take a good long look at what I love about people, specifically MY people.

Let’s start with my three boys, aka, my Steak Night family.
First on the list is Adam.  I met Adam about five years ago after knowing his family for a long time before that and always hearing stories of this mysterious, handsome older brother.  I don’t really remember getting to know Adam; I just remember knowing him.  The first thing any sane person would notice about Adam (after you get over how handsome he is)  is that he really cares.  Adam might just be the most naturally honest and genuine person I know.  He can be very secretive and cryptic at times, but what he does choose to tell you is always the truth and everything that comes out of his mouth is so selfless.  Adam has taught me to be kind and sweet and helpful, even when I want to slap people.  He is faithful 100% of the time and gives his all, plus some, to everything he sets his hands to.  I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last five years without his constant love, support, and prayers.
I love you, Bruce!

Shay, my Cookie.  I met Shay through Adam not long after Adam and I started hanging out.  The first time I met him, I couldn’t stop laughing because I had heard so many funny stories from Adam about dumb stuff they had done together late at night all hopped up on cream soda and frozen waffles.  Shay was family the moment he walked into our house.  Shay keeps us on our toes.  You never know what new laser or firecracker he’s got to “play” with or what idea is gonna pop into his head next.  Shay loves with all he has.  If Shay says he loves you, he means it and he’ll prove it.  He has taught me that love is a verb.  He loves to SHOW his love to people and I really honor that about him.  I think he’s a fighter; he doesn’t fight for himself, but he’ll stand up for what he believes in and I hope more of that attribute rubs off on me.  I love you, Cookie!

And last, but not least of my three boys, is my little brother Alex, my Zoozoo.  I’ve known Alex almost his whole life, but our age difference made him on the fringes of my social circle until we got old enough to realize how much we loved each other.  Alex is my little brother to the core, despite our not sharing any DNA.  I trust him with my everything and would gladly cut off my right leg if he ever needed an extra.  Alex is hard to explain to people because if you’ve never met him, it’s like trying to explain a rainbow to a blind person.  Alex is the most Christ-like person I know and being his friend sometimes feels like being one of the disciples or something because Alex lives his life as a natural leader – always walking in truth and wisdom.  Being friends with Alex has grown me up and challenged me to walk with his same dignity and wisdom.  I love you, Zoozoo.

To all my boys, you guys are my core.  I honor and respect each of you with all I have.  Thank you for letting this sick chick into your lives and giving me the honor of praying and worshiping our Creator by your sides.


My Bri Baby.  Bri and I have laughed during funerals, cried during weddings (because we were laughing so hard) and screamed for about three solid miles because we thought we were being attacked by road kill.  Probably more than half of my favorite moments over the last eight years or so have Bri in them.  Despite the fact that she is often far away, Bri is a constant in my life.  Bri is kind and honest and loyal.  She has taught me to be brave and fight for my dreams even when they seem impossible.  Bri is the type of person you miss even when she’s with you because you feel like you just can’t get enough of her.  She loves the unlovable and cares about the people everyone else forgets about or writes off.  Bri, you helped me go from a scared girl to a confident woman.  I love, I love you, Bri Baby!

Everyone needs a North Star in their lives.  Someone that no matter where they go or what they do, you know they will always love you.  Courtney is that in my life.  Sometimes we go months without talking, but we always know how each other are doing; we can just feel it.  She lives 700 miles from me, but she always seems to know when I need her.  I’m pretty sure that even when Courtney and I were getting to know each other, we’ve never done small talk.  We just GET each other.  I can’t tell you what a gift that is.  Courtney is an amazing person.  I’m glad she got to be a wife and a mother before I did, because now I know how to do it right.  I love you, Clover!

Ahh, Seth…I think someone should write out the story of our friendship and turn it into a British soap opera…or maybe a Chinese sitcom, I’m not sure which. ;-) We have been through so many ups and downs together, but we always seem to come back to the fact that we really do love each other. Seth is a doer. Need that wall painted? Done. Need those lights moved? Done.  Need that tough love email sent?  Done.  I think the thing I’ve learned the most from Seth is how to be brave.  He faces change head-on, even when he thinks he’s afraid of it.  (I don’t think he’s really afraid of anything.)  If I need to do something, but I don’t think I can do it or I’m too afraid to try, I call Seth and he firmly, but lovingly talks me into it.  Being friends with Seth has taught me to be Whitney - the Whitney I was created to be, no matter the consequences.  He is also a constant reminder to live in the moment.  To learn from the past, but not to dwell there and to prepare for the future, but not skip ahead.  When I die or get married (whichever comes first), Seth’s speech is the one everyone is going to remember the most, because it will have everyone laughing and crying and taking a good, deep look at their own life.  Seth, thank you for still loving me.  I love you, City Boy!

Makahla.  I have no idea how K and I became friends. We have this picture together from years ago, but I don’t remember taking it and I’m not convinced we were even friends then. ;-)  K is sweet and loving and so empathetic and sometimes (okay, lots of times) that is exactly what I need in my life.  K has taught me about mercy, because she has shown it to me so many times and she lives it out every day.  Lots of people say we look like sisters and our own mothers have mistaken us in pictures before.  I take all that as a huge complement because K is beautiful inside and out.  We may not get to see much of each other, but we are family and I am so thankful to have another sister in my life.   I love you, K!

Amber. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night after having some crazy pizza dream and you would just kill to have someone you could wake up and tell it to, someone who not only wouldn’t slap you for waking them up at 3 am, but who would also listen and respond with enthusiasm to your dream?  Well, I have that in Amber.  Amber and I can talk to each other without even having to bother to start a sentence; we can just talk.  How cool is that?  Someday I hope to be as brave and honest with myself as she is.  She is a stunningly beautiful, busy wife and mother who has been through more than I can wrap my head around and yet she still cares about little me.  To steal Amber’s words, our friendship is like a warm blanket, fresh out of the dryer.  Someday I hope to live my life as strongly as she does.  I love you, Blanket!

Ana.  Ok, this one is gonna make me cry.  I’ve known Ana less than a year, but she is as precious to me as anyone I know.  She has Lyme Disease like I do and no one understands that side of me quite like she does.  She is gentle and kind-hearted and even when she is frustrated or overwhelmed, she is still so selfless.  I am very honored to be her friend and to be walking this journey with her.  I love you, my sweet Ana.

Kaytlin. Kaytlin is another one of my Lyme Disease sisters.  I’ve never even met her in person, but she is always there when I need her and always willing to listen to me whine and complain about things.  She brings me a sense of familiarity that doesn’t make sense outside of our shared passion for God’s grace. Kaytlin has taught me to be thankful for each day I’m given - a priceless gift.  I love you, Sweet!

Florian.  Flo is the newest member of “My People,” but he’s secretly one of my favorite people ever! He’s like a warrior, strong and brave and true.  He’s open and honest with me and that’s an attribute I really respect in anybody. When Flo is happy, Whitney is happy.  His joy can brighten my hardest of days.  I love you, Babe!

There are so many people in my life who touch and influence me in amazing ways day in and day out, but these were just the few on my heart tonight. And don’t worry, my friends; just because you were on the list doesn’t mean you were one of the people driving me nuts today, honest!  And to all those I love, but didn’t mention tonight, thank you to you also for loving and supporting me over the years and being godly examples for me to follow.  I love you all!
Whitney

Watching the World Go By

Watching the World Go By

May 9, 2013 at 9:49pm

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Watching the World Go By
This goes out to all my peeps who are suffering through (not from. We suffer THROUGH!) a long term illness.



I watch the world go by
It seems so strong and so fast and so much more than I can handle
I watch the world go by
I watch it grow up and old without me. I’m still 19, waiting for my dreams to show up
I watch the world go by
She gets thin, he gets distinguished, I get sickly
I watch the world go by
It’s beautiful, its breath taking. I want so much to jumpin, but I’m too weak yet
Maybe someday
I watch the world go by
Everybody gains new skills; they say I gain new “attributes”
You know what you got to do to gain a new attribute… suffer
I watch the world go by
I want to stop it. Tell it to just hold up a min. Tell my nephews and nieces to stop growing up so I can play with them more while they are still young, tell my friends to stop getting married so I can enjoy their company while they are still available to me, tell my parents to stop putting their lives on hold for me…
I watch the world go by
I cry myself to sleep because he left me for some other, more healthy girl, leaving me in love with a dream.
I watch the world go by
I watch it twirl so fast it makes my head spin with it, as I put pill after pill, poison after poison in my body, just to survive.
I watch the world go by
Can’t help but wonder, wonder what my life would be like without this thorn in my side.
I watch the world go by
I watch the cancer patients in the hospital and I realize what an honor it is to smile for them. They don’t get many kind eyes these days.
I watch the world go by
As I sit for 16 hours with an IV dripping slowly, painfully into my veins. Is it worth it? I don’t know.
I watch the world go by
And I see all the growth I’ve gone through. All the things I’ve learned about life and love and death and suffering. Not much really, but maybe still more than most. Maybe enough for me to be who I was created to be.
I watch the world go by
I see so many suffering so much more than I. Who am I to complain about something so small as a disease?
I watch the world go by
And I KNOW with all my heart that my God loves me.
You want to know how I know?
Because He is right here
Watching the world go by with me.
We watch the world go by
We watch the world go by.





(You know we sick people are just like everyone else; we have our good days and our bad. Some days you’re overwhelmed by the sadness and the loneliness of it all, and other day’s you’re filled with hope and joy and excitement.Some days are both. Ha!
 I live an extremely blessed life and most of the time I live feeling that blessed. It’s not all doom and gloom, but life does have its dark moments.
Every day is a different line; every season a new chapter. I have no idea the details of how any of our books are gonna end, but I know mine ends where it all started, with Jesus. I hope you know yours ends there too. If you don’t know where your book ends, hit me up and maybe we can talk about it a little. I’d like that.)

Update on Whit 4-16-13

Update on Whit 4-16-13

April 16, 2013 at 3:28pm

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Hey my FB people,
It’s been a long time since I’ve written an update and I have a bit of brain power so I thought I’d try and write quick and tell you all about what God’s doing in my life right now.
This winter has been hard and long.  Now that the trees are starting to bud and it smells like sweet dirt outside, I’m getting a bit of spring fever in my heart,spirit and body.  I’m supposed to be resting as much as possible right now and I’m fighting to stay down more so I can heal up faster but spring fever has me wanting to be out and about more.  Dangerous mix! Ha!
I got to go to New York a few weeks ago to visit a very dear and very sick friend and that was so good for my soul and attitude, but also a good reminder that I need to rest my body since, weeks later, I feel like my body is still trying to recover.  It’s always been a hard fight for me to find the line between how much to do and how much to rest.  Right now, I just want to go everywhere and do everything!!! Silly Whitney! J
About a month ago I was told that the Lyme disease is eating away at a section of my neck.  I now wear a neck brace when I’m out and about, especially in the car because it’s very painful to hold my own neck up right now.  I have faith that the doctors are wrong and this is a temporary problem and isn’t going to be a problem forever.

I’m currently not doing any lyme treatment because the antibiotics I was on weren't helping and all the natural stuff we have tried, I just throw up.  This is frustrating because I’m having to fight so hard every day to keep going, all the while knowing I’m not getting better.  I currently spend 8-20 hours a day hooked up to an IV. That is the way I get fluids. Without it I don’teat.  Thankfully, I have a new pump that makes it’s possible to medicate while I sleep. I’m not used to the noise of the pump yet so I don’t sleep well, but we are working on it. I’m so thankful to be able to medicate at night! It’s such a great gift!

My heart and my spirit over all are doing well.  I’ve had to fight for joy so much more than I’m ever had to this winter and I still have my moments of deep sorrow. But I’ve been learning so much about what it means to trust the will of God and to fight for hope and not just let my feelings control my days.   I know that my God has a great destiny for me and that works one day at a time and  learning to live in the moment and stop trying to control the future so much.

Some days are great and happy and I love to just sit and pray and be with my God.  Other days are hard and I have to really fight for my life and for my hope, but I am happy and I am doing well.

I get really overwhelmed sometimes with writing and keeping up with everyone and I’ve lost a lot of really great friends this winter, but I’m thankful for those who have stood by me and for those who have prayed even when I have trouble communicating back very much.

My God is Good!
I live a blessed life!
I am so thankful for each day I’m given.
God bless everyone!

My friend Ana and I in New York.

I, Love to love you, Baby!

I, Love to love you, Baby!

April 24, 2013 at 7:15pm

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This afternoon has been one of those afternoons where I’m really fighting the “Whaaaaaa….. I hate being sick and no one understands me” mindset.  I was busy this morning which means I’m in a lot of pain this afternoon. I’m used to this reality but it still bothers me sometimes.   I was doing my best to read a little (which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't) and the words were just jumping off of the page at me. My book is a collection of sermons from all sorts of wonderful people. The one I was on today happen to be by Joni Eareckson Tada. (appropriate for my mood) She was talking about how we always have all these questions about why God let’s bad things happen to good people and why a gracious God lets the world suffer so.  Her answer was that there are no answers, but there is love. God is the answer. The reasons WHY things happen don’t matter, but the love God has for us through everything is what really matters in life.  Now, go ahead and judge me if you want but I was listening to Beyoncé’ while I was reading and this song came on that, I’m not sure was originally meat for this,but my God is funny and tends to use music to speak to me.  There is this line in the song that repeats “I love to love you, Baby”. Like I said, I’m not sure that is what Beyoncé meant but I heard God’s voice through it to my heart.  I've been pretty fussy the last… oh… 9 months and the more upset about life I get, the farther away from God’s love I feel.  Today I got to read about God’s grace through trials and hear God’s voice through Beyoncé singing “I, Love to love you, Baby”.  Do you hear that? The God who made the universe not only loves me but He loves to love me. And I happen to know that loving me can be hard sometimes when I’m freaking out or doubting everything, but God loves to love me. How cool is that?

The last 9 months of my life have been hard, they are still hard, but I am loved by a great and powerful God. I need nothing else to rest my hope on than Him.  I know my healing will come. I know my love will come. I know that the things that God has promised me will happen in this life or the next, but in the meantime I am learning more and more to rest in the fact that God loves to love me just where I am right now, today, upset or not.