Old poem that came to mind tonight

Time goes by
I pretend I
Am someone I
Have never met
Time goes by
Explain to me why
I loose myself
For somebody else
Time… goes… by…

Time goes by
And I cry
The lost of you
Is all so real
Time goes by
And I lie
Awake all night
Afraid to dream
Time… goes… by…

Time goes by
I feel like I
Have lost my will
And lost my way
Times goes by
So what if I try
I’ll fail again
To keep you near
Time… goes… by…

And she becomes Alice

This is the fourth time I have tried to write this morning. My head and my heart are flooded with twisted thoughts and tangled emotions. Ever time I start to write I get wrapped up in the subject matter and can’t find my way out enough to type out what I’m experiencing. I feel like Alice falling, falling, falling through a hole that seems to be getting bigger with time with no end in sight. I don’t know which way is up or which way I’m falling, all I know is that there is no ground underneath my feet. 
I miss someone so much this morning that my heart hurts all the way through every vain and into my toes. I feel like my heart is pumping this emotion into my head and keeping it from thinking thoughts outside of what I most have done wrong to loose a dear friend.  I know these thoughts are not of God and so I fight to keep from thinking them, but they seem stronger then my will.  I wake up with them and fall asleep to them.  Time will pass and life will distract me, but for now I just keep falling hoping that wherever I land will be strong and secure.

Lord, whatever this is meant to teach me, help me to learn it well because I do not wish to go through this again.

I hate...

When I first realized that it was time to shave my head before there was no hair left to donate, I assumed I would cry a lot when it came right down to it.  Thanks to God’s grace and an amazing support system I didn’t cry at all and never did… until today.  It’s been a really hard few days for me.  I’ve cried more in the last 2 days then I think I have in the last two months.  Tonight I got in the shower, mostly just to be by myself for awhile.  I went to clean my hair/scalp when I saw my old shampoo sitting on the bathtub ledge. On a whim I decided to use it even though I’m fully aware that I don’t need “body building lotus flowers.”  As soon as I opened the bottle and the familiar sent filled the bathroom I started crying.  In a very overwhelming and unexpected moment I fell to my knees in a puddle of tears, suddenly aware of all the things my health has taken from me. This was about more then just my hair, although I will admit that I was very much missing my long, blond hair in that moment.  The water was cold on my back and my sentimental shampoo was running into my eyes. This was not my finest moment but it was real and it was honest and I think it was important for me.  Sometimes I think I try so hard to be brave and OK that I miss out on my real emotions. It’s not that I’m wondering around lying to everyone, it’s just that I fight really hard not to dwell on things and to think positive.  This evening in the shower something in my just snapped. The box of all my negative emotions split open and I was forced to face them head on.   It hasn’t been that long since I got out of the shower so I haven’t really had a lot of time to work through things, but I’m oddly relieved to know and have sort of confessed to myself that I hate having short hair and I hate missing the friends and future I lost. I hate not working and not driving. I hate not being able to take care of my friends and family like I used to. I hate not really having an active hobby. I hate dealing with my learning disabilities. I hate feeling isolated. I hate not worshiping with other people every week like normal people. I hate not being able to concentrate sometimes. I hate being tied down to pills and diets. I hate doctors appointments. I hate invisible pain. I hate not being thin anymore. I hate feeling useless.  I hate relying on others so much.  I hate not having any money all the time. I hate my lack of creativity… the list could go on forever and ever.  I hate hating all these things, but this is where I am right now and ya know, that’s ok. I serve a God who loves me no matter what I hate. I serve a God who has promised me a hope and a future. I serve a God who knew earth would be hard for me so He promised me heaven. I serve a God who finds creative ways to show me He loves me when I start ignoring the obvious ones. I serve a God who loves me enough to not let me rely on anything of the earth, but teaches me patiently to put my faith in Him and Him alone. I serve a God who made me and knows my body better then any doctor.  I am blessed.

I’m still having a hard night and I know I have a lot to work through yet, but I also know that God will be here to help me through it all. He is here to hold me hand through whatever and here to carry me when I can no longer walk.  Thank You Lord!

it's a good trick

Being awake at 5 am leads to
   boredom which leads to
      ice cream eating which leads to
          bigger pants which leads to
              exercising which leads to
                  exhaustion which leads to
                      falling asleep...

 So really, I'm helping myself out here. :-)
                 

Missing people

The last few days I have really been missing someone. Not like “Oh it would be nice to see them again” but hard core cry yourself to sleep kind of missing.  Because it’s effecting my over all attitude, I’ve been asking God to change my heart, but the truth is that I like missing people. Don’t get me wrong, it’s horrible to miss someone that deeply, but I think missing someone a lot just proves that you love someone a lot and I really like loving people.  I think it’s awesome how something so miserable can also be a blessing.  The problem for me is that missing someone can lead to bitterness about why I miss them.  An early death, a broken relationship, busyness… non of this stuff is happy and sometimes it’s hard to not get wrapped up in it all. It’s hard not to feel rejected when someone isn’t around even when the truth of the matter is that they aren’t doing it on purpose.  This is where my heart and mind have been recently.  I’m fighting hard to keep myself from coming up with all the things I did wrong to find myself in a position to miss someone so deeply. Perhaps I did screw some stuff up, but I really think that life just happens. I want to be free from guilt, but I don’t want to stop missing people I love who are far from me. It’s kind of a way to love them I think.
So… today I’m going to try and miss people with an open hand, leaving room for God to work and hold my emotions instead of me trying to keep them safe inside myself.

My dear friends, I miss you.

Frustrated

Recently I’ve been so frustrated that my health comes up in almost every conversation I ever have. I am so thankful that my friends and family care enough to keep asking and listening attentively. I don’t want that to go away, I just want there to be more then that to my relationships.  I don’t know how to be sick without that defining my life and taking over every conversation I ever have.  I want my communication to be Christ centered even if it’s about my health.  I feel so lost inside my own health. I don’t know how to find a good balance in my friendships.   This winter season has contained a lot of health problems for me. It’s been an especially difficult few months so there has been lots of health news to share. I am so thankful for you all putting up with all my ramblings about my silly health, but I want so much for there to be more to our communication.  My health is a HUGE part of my life but it’s not a big part of who I am. I’m so much more then the sick girl, I just don’t know how to show that.  I don’t mean to use this as an excuse, but I feel like I need more grace then ever right now as I work through this.  Even after 5 years, I’m still not very good at being sick and being normal at the same time. I want to be a good friend and I’ve failed so much at this recently. I really do apologize to you all for that.  I want to do and be better for you all and because I want to be Christ-like.
Thanks everyone for listening. I really do love you all so much.

Health Update 1/11

After 2 ½ years of being on strong antibiotics, I’ve really been praying about taking a break. I’ve been very nervous that my doctors would not approve and I would loose their guidance if I chose to go a more natural rout.  Yesterday I had a phone appointment with my Lyme specialist. He started out by saying he wanted to change and up all my antibiotics.   I nervously jumped right in with the news that I was hoping to go more natural and drug free for awhile.  I explained that myself and my friends had done a lot of research into natural ways of dealing with long term illness.  He was really impressed with the things I had learned and the choices in diet and lifestyle I had already made. He just kept telling me over and over again how proud he was of me. Oh Happy Day!

After some symptom discussion he voiced how displeased he is with where my health is right now. He agreed that my body needs a break from the meds but he also explained that Lyme disease is only cured with antibiotics and I may feel much better off the meds for awhile, but the Lyme symptoms will eventually return and I will need to go back on my meds.  He was very excited about my looking into the Hyperbaric chamber, the Rife machine and Oil of Oregano. (Thanks Adam and Terra for bringing these things to my attention. You guys are amazing!)

So (drum roll please) I am so so excited to say that for the next few months I am medication free! I’ll still be on some pain killers, as needed, but I am completely off my antibiotics. 

The only real down side to the conversation was that the doctor decided it was time I went to an endocrinologist to have my thyroid looked at. I have been having symptoms for quite some time but mostly ignoring them just to avoid more doctor visits. But the time has come to get that looked at.

I am so excited to see what will come in this season. I expect a hard time as I go through withdraw but knowing it’s part of becoming drug free will be enough to get through that. I am so thrilled.

Thank you all for your prayers and support and a special thanks to those who have helped me do all the research and studying on how to do this sick thing right.