15 Things to Remember When Going to the Hospital for ANY Reason
December 30, 2012 at 5:46pm
15 Things to Remember When Going to the Hospital for ANY Reason
by Whitney Ranae Heeres
12-27-12
All of us have been to a hospital a time or two and I’m sure you are all aware that a trip to that building for ANY reason tends to end up being a much bigger and longer deal than you had anticipated. A simple drug test before a new job can mean two hours in a waiting room watching soap operas. An x-ray for a sore ankle can quickly turn into a full body exam. Even a big thing like surgery can be more detailed than you were ready for.
I have been in and out of hospitals more times than I can count, so I thought I would share with you some of the wit and wisdom I have learned over the years. Hospital visits don’t have to be overwhelming or traumatizing IF you are properly prepared.
1. Always Bring a Book - Why lug around a heavy book when all waiting rooms have magazines? Well, they have magazines alright! On the rack are three health magazines with pictures of smiling “celebrities” you’ve never even heard of. The covers sport article titles like Why Pregnant Women Crave Dirt and How Clean Are Your Petrie Dishes, Really? Not interested? No problem. On the table next to you is a nice stack of pamphlets on what to expect during a prostate exam.
Please, bring a good book!
2. SHAVE – I know, I know, you’re just going in for some blood work - a fast prick in the arm and you’re out of there, right? Wrong! Next thing you know, you’re in a skimpy hospital gown that doesn’t even cover your knees, sitting in a waiting room that doubles as the hallway to the bathroom. In five minutes six people have had the opportunity to enjoy your stubble, including the maintenance man changing the light bulb next to you.
Guys, about three pretty nurses and one less-than-pretty doctor are going to have their hands on your face before you go home. Their hands get enough exfoliation as it is. SHAVE!
3. Groom Your Toenails - You would be shocked at how many times I have been lying on a gurney being prepped for surgery and someone has taken that solemn moment as an opportunity to complement the color of my toenails.
Guys, keep ‘em clean! You’re in a hospital. If someone gets a peek at that green stuff on the side of your toe, you may leave the hospital with one less phalange!
4. Bring Snacks – It’s one o’clock, you just ate lunch and won’t be hungry for hours. Two o’clock rolls around and a Snickers bar sounds good, but no big deal. Three o’clock, and all the diabetic people around you are being brought a snack. Suddenly the hospital goes from smelling like sweat and antiseptic to smelling like a Crispy Cream and you cannot remember the last time you craved a cookie quite this badly. No, you may not take anything off of someone else’s tray, even if you have convinced yourself that they aren’t gonna make it!
5. Don’t Paint Your Fingernails - You know those little heartbeat thingamajiggies (Pulse Oximeters) they clip on your finger before they have even asked your name? Turns out those don’t work very well through fingernail polish. It’s only a matter of time before your polish will be removed, but not from everywhere…oh no, only your index fingers, so you wander around the rest of the day looking like an airhead who missed a nail. Just skip that bit of girlyness and save the orderly some trouble.
6. Bring Stuff to Entertain – Someone’s with you, right? Maybe it’s your mom or your husband or the person you fell on when you passed out in Meijer. It doesn’t matter who they are; they are always more bored than you are. If you have the luxury of knowing you are going to the hospital ahead of time, bring stuff with you - a crossword book, a deck of cards, a small game… you would be amazed at what kind of trouble an otherwise well-behaved grown-up can get into during hour number three in a small room covered with buttons that say, “Don’t Touch!”
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7. Never Wear Your Favorite Clothes - The nurse taking your blood is competent, capable and well trained, but she’s rushed. Accidents happen, and I hate to even say this, but blood coming out of a needle tends to squirt like a ketchup bottle. White is never a good idea. Also, you know that smell you dread at hospitals? It lasts! Your dry-cleaner is going to get the wrong idea of your social life when you bring in your favorite wool coat smelling like alcohol and vomit. Wear stuff you can strip off fast and throw in the wash when you get home.
8. Bring a Detailed Medication List– There is this crazy communication vortex that seems to happen at hospitals that causes all information to be lacking in validity two minutes after it’s given. This means that you are going to be asked the same questions over and over again. Having a thorough list of your medications and their dosages makes things run much more smoothly. It’s hard to pronounce some of those meds and, “Um, maybe two?” is not an acceptable answer to how many milligrams something is.
9. Always Wear Socks – It’s summer and you look amazing in your new sandals, but hospitals have a complex about bare feet. If you don’t already have socks on, then when you are handed your ever flattering hospital gown, you will also be handed a fresh pair of socks. They come in one size and one color: huge and ugly. They also have this shockingly big seam at the end that would drive even the least OCD person crazy.
10. Bring Your Doctor’s Business Card – His name is John Johnson, but the lady checking you in keeps asking you if that’s spelled with one “L” or two. He is also from the hospital you are currently in, but no one seems to have heard of him and you don’t happen to have his phone number memorized. Having his business card is gonna come in really handy right about now.
11. Wear Big Underwear - Trust me, when that old guy is giving you an exam or you’re getting your first (and hopefully only) semi-nude photo shoot done in the x-ray room, you are going to be happy you have some extra coverage!
12. Don’t Take Any Medications on Your Way to the Hospital – Ever had your stomach pumped? Well, me either, but I saw it once on Diagnosis Murder and it wasn’t pretty. One of the first questions you are going to be asked at the hospital is when you took your pills last. If your answer even hints at recently, the dude behind the computer is going to flash you this look that you saw last on your mother when your father forgot their anniversary. Hospitals like to be in control of your medication while you are there and the longer it’s been since you have taken anything, the more in control they feel. Having said that, you’d better ask; the staff will know best what meds you can take and when. I don’t want anyone going into some sort of shock because you’re overdue for a med thanks to me!
13. Go Ahead, Laugh! – The hard-of-hearing man down the hall trying to remember all the words to our national anthem…is funny. The nurse who just ran head-first into a door she thought would open automatically…is funny. (Oh yeah, I have so seen this done.) The fact that you are sitting in an ER right now because you thought you were still a pro at skating backwards (15 years later)…is funny! Yes, the hospital can be a very somber place (so laugh quietly), but you are not at a funeral. Go ahead, laugh! After all, laughter does good like a medicine, right? You may just speed up your recovery time!
14. Have Your Pharmacy’s Fax # - You’re on your way home from the hospital. It’s been a long day and you are dreaming of being a couch-potato the rest of the evening, but first you have to stop quickly and pick up those new meds. You brave the bitter windstorm that came out of nowhere just as you pulled in and go into the pharmacy only to discover that they have no record of your prescription. After a quick lesson in detective work, you learn that your script was sent to the Walgreen’s in Springfield, Ohio instead of the Walgreen’s in Springfield, Indiana. To top it all off, the doctor who wrote the script left for the weekend five minutes ago. You’re out of luck till Monday. The only thing left to do is pray that rash just goes away on its own.
15. Smile – Hospitals are one of the darkest places. No one is there for a happy reason. Even the nurses all seem to be having a hard day. A smile can make all the difference in the world. It’s human nature that the Docs are going to be more eager to care for you if you have a good disposition, but it’s so much more important than that. While you’re in the hospital, no matter the reason or timeline, you have an opportunity to be a light. Give the staff a break. You don’t know what they have gone through today. They are the people that get to give the families the bad news that someone has cancer; they are the people that have to clean up after someone didn’t make it to the bathroom in time; they are the people that have to deal with the kid that bites and won’t sit still for a shot that will save his life. Even the cafeteria ladies have been dealing with upset people all day who take out their frustration and worry on them. Not everyone in a hospital gets to save a life, but you get to save your attitude, and that can make or break someone else’s day. I know you’re in pain; I know you don’t want to be there; but take this rare opportunity to make a difference in the world. Smile!
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