Old poem that came to mind tonight

Time goes by
I pretend I
Am someone I
Have never met
Time goes by
Explain to me why
I loose myself
For somebody else
Time… goes… by…

Time goes by
And I cry
The lost of you
Is all so real
Time goes by
And I lie
Awake all night
Afraid to dream
Time… goes… by…

Time goes by
I feel like I
Have lost my will
And lost my way
Times goes by
So what if I try
I’ll fail again
To keep you near
Time… goes… by…

And she becomes Alice

This is the fourth time I have tried to write this morning. My head and my heart are flooded with twisted thoughts and tangled emotions. Ever time I start to write I get wrapped up in the subject matter and can’t find my way out enough to type out what I’m experiencing. I feel like Alice falling, falling, falling through a hole that seems to be getting bigger with time with no end in sight. I don’t know which way is up or which way I’m falling, all I know is that there is no ground underneath my feet. 
I miss someone so much this morning that my heart hurts all the way through every vain and into my toes. I feel like my heart is pumping this emotion into my head and keeping it from thinking thoughts outside of what I most have done wrong to loose a dear friend.  I know these thoughts are not of God and so I fight to keep from thinking them, but they seem stronger then my will.  I wake up with them and fall asleep to them.  Time will pass and life will distract me, but for now I just keep falling hoping that wherever I land will be strong and secure.

Lord, whatever this is meant to teach me, help me to learn it well because I do not wish to go through this again.

I hate...

When I first realized that it was time to shave my head before there was no hair left to donate, I assumed I would cry a lot when it came right down to it.  Thanks to God’s grace and an amazing support system I didn’t cry at all and never did… until today.  It’s been a really hard few days for me.  I’ve cried more in the last 2 days then I think I have in the last two months.  Tonight I got in the shower, mostly just to be by myself for awhile.  I went to clean my hair/scalp when I saw my old shampoo sitting on the bathtub ledge. On a whim I decided to use it even though I’m fully aware that I don’t need “body building lotus flowers.”  As soon as I opened the bottle and the familiar sent filled the bathroom I started crying.  In a very overwhelming and unexpected moment I fell to my knees in a puddle of tears, suddenly aware of all the things my health has taken from me. This was about more then just my hair, although I will admit that I was very much missing my long, blond hair in that moment.  The water was cold on my back and my sentimental shampoo was running into my eyes. This was not my finest moment but it was real and it was honest and I think it was important for me.  Sometimes I think I try so hard to be brave and OK that I miss out on my real emotions. It’s not that I’m wondering around lying to everyone, it’s just that I fight really hard not to dwell on things and to think positive.  This evening in the shower something in my just snapped. The box of all my negative emotions split open and I was forced to face them head on.   It hasn’t been that long since I got out of the shower so I haven’t really had a lot of time to work through things, but I’m oddly relieved to know and have sort of confessed to myself that I hate having short hair and I hate missing the friends and future I lost. I hate not working and not driving. I hate not being able to take care of my friends and family like I used to. I hate not really having an active hobby. I hate dealing with my learning disabilities. I hate feeling isolated. I hate not worshiping with other people every week like normal people. I hate not being able to concentrate sometimes. I hate being tied down to pills and diets. I hate doctors appointments. I hate invisible pain. I hate not being thin anymore. I hate feeling useless.  I hate relying on others so much.  I hate not having any money all the time. I hate my lack of creativity… the list could go on forever and ever.  I hate hating all these things, but this is where I am right now and ya know, that’s ok. I serve a God who loves me no matter what I hate. I serve a God who has promised me a hope and a future. I serve a God who knew earth would be hard for me so He promised me heaven. I serve a God who finds creative ways to show me He loves me when I start ignoring the obvious ones. I serve a God who loves me enough to not let me rely on anything of the earth, but teaches me patiently to put my faith in Him and Him alone. I serve a God who made me and knows my body better then any doctor.  I am blessed.

I’m still having a hard night and I know I have a lot to work through yet, but I also know that God will be here to help me through it all. He is here to hold me hand through whatever and here to carry me when I can no longer walk.  Thank You Lord!

it's a good trick

Being awake at 5 am leads to
   boredom which leads to
      ice cream eating which leads to
          bigger pants which leads to
              exercising which leads to
                  exhaustion which leads to
                      falling asleep...

 So really, I'm helping myself out here. :-)
                 

Missing people

The last few days I have really been missing someone. Not like “Oh it would be nice to see them again” but hard core cry yourself to sleep kind of missing.  Because it’s effecting my over all attitude, I’ve been asking God to change my heart, but the truth is that I like missing people. Don’t get me wrong, it’s horrible to miss someone that deeply, but I think missing someone a lot just proves that you love someone a lot and I really like loving people.  I think it’s awesome how something so miserable can also be a blessing.  The problem for me is that missing someone can lead to bitterness about why I miss them.  An early death, a broken relationship, busyness… non of this stuff is happy and sometimes it’s hard to not get wrapped up in it all. It’s hard not to feel rejected when someone isn’t around even when the truth of the matter is that they aren’t doing it on purpose.  This is where my heart and mind have been recently.  I’m fighting hard to keep myself from coming up with all the things I did wrong to find myself in a position to miss someone so deeply. Perhaps I did screw some stuff up, but I really think that life just happens. I want to be free from guilt, but I don’t want to stop missing people I love who are far from me. It’s kind of a way to love them I think.
So… today I’m going to try and miss people with an open hand, leaving room for God to work and hold my emotions instead of me trying to keep them safe inside myself.

My dear friends, I miss you.

Frustrated

Recently I’ve been so frustrated that my health comes up in almost every conversation I ever have. I am so thankful that my friends and family care enough to keep asking and listening attentively. I don’t want that to go away, I just want there to be more then that to my relationships.  I don’t know how to be sick without that defining my life and taking over every conversation I ever have.  I want my communication to be Christ centered even if it’s about my health.  I feel so lost inside my own health. I don’t know how to find a good balance in my friendships.   This winter season has contained a lot of health problems for me. It’s been an especially difficult few months so there has been lots of health news to share. I am so thankful for you all putting up with all my ramblings about my silly health, but I want so much for there to be more to our communication.  My health is a HUGE part of my life but it’s not a big part of who I am. I’m so much more then the sick girl, I just don’t know how to show that.  I don’t mean to use this as an excuse, but I feel like I need more grace then ever right now as I work through this.  Even after 5 years, I’m still not very good at being sick and being normal at the same time. I want to be a good friend and I’ve failed so much at this recently. I really do apologize to you all for that.  I want to do and be better for you all and because I want to be Christ-like.
Thanks everyone for listening. I really do love you all so much.

Health Update 1/11

After 2 ½ years of being on strong antibiotics, I’ve really been praying about taking a break. I’ve been very nervous that my doctors would not approve and I would loose their guidance if I chose to go a more natural rout.  Yesterday I had a phone appointment with my Lyme specialist. He started out by saying he wanted to change and up all my antibiotics.   I nervously jumped right in with the news that I was hoping to go more natural and drug free for awhile.  I explained that myself and my friends had done a lot of research into natural ways of dealing with long term illness.  He was really impressed with the things I had learned and the choices in diet and lifestyle I had already made. He just kept telling me over and over again how proud he was of me. Oh Happy Day!

After some symptom discussion he voiced how displeased he is with where my health is right now. He agreed that my body needs a break from the meds but he also explained that Lyme disease is only cured with antibiotics and I may feel much better off the meds for awhile, but the Lyme symptoms will eventually return and I will need to go back on my meds.  He was very excited about my looking into the Hyperbaric chamber, the Rife machine and Oil of Oregano. (Thanks Adam and Terra for bringing these things to my attention. You guys are amazing!)

So (drum roll please) I am so so excited to say that for the next few months I am medication free! I’ll still be on some pain killers, as needed, but I am completely off my antibiotics. 

The only real down side to the conversation was that the doctor decided it was time I went to an endocrinologist to have my thyroid looked at. I have been having symptoms for quite some time but mostly ignoring them just to avoid more doctor visits. But the time has come to get that looked at.

I am so excited to see what will come in this season. I expect a hard time as I go through withdraw but knowing it’s part of becoming drug free will be enough to get through that. I am so thrilled.

Thank you all for your prayers and support and a special thanks to those who have helped me do all the research and studying on how to do this sick thing right.

Scars

I think scars are beautiful things. I had a friend growing up who had a huge scar on his face. I always thought it was one of the most attractive parts of him. It made him mysterious and intriguing.  I love hearing the stories behind people’s scars because I want to share in people’s pain and I want to know the dark stories in a persons life. I think it helps me love them better.  One of my favorite scars on myself serves as a reminder of my clumsiness. I was playing catch in the house with a friend and during a lunge for the ball (Which I’m pretty sure I didn’t catch) I sliced my wrist on a wire hanger we were using as a t.v. antenna.  The scar is barely visible now, but I still know it’s there and it makes me smile when I see it. I’m not entirely sure why. Just a reminder of a happy childhood I guess.

          In the last 2 years I have gone from having few scars to having many.  I currently have 10 surgery related scars and will most likely have more before my life is through.  I may often claim that I acquired these lacerations in a knife fight with an Armenian gang, but the truth of it is that I got them on an operating table by professionals trying to heal me. Three of my scars are very prominent and hard to hide. They are a constant reminder of what I’ve been through and also a reminder of what’s to come as those same scars will one day have to be reopened. 

          Do you ever feel that way? Like your scars serve as reminders of what’s to come more than what’s already happened? Fear creeps in when we remember the past and we dread going through it again so much that we convince ourselves it’s inevitable. Maybe your scar is a broken heart, financial destitution, a nervous breakdown, or health issues. Maybe you dread the deaths of your family after suffering loss in the past. Maybe you are overwhelmed by the thought of moving again the next time your husband gets laid off. 

          I think almost everyone has something they fear and it’s almost always linked to a past scar.  One of the things I like about my scars is that they prove that I survived.  It may have taken weeks, sometimes months to recover, but I recovered. My chest and neck are not still bleeding.  I’m not gonna lie, my scars still hurt, but not like they used to.  Life is gonna be painful and sometimes that pain never really goes away quite all the way, but that doesn’t dilute God’s grace on our lives or His ability to redeem.  If I hadn’t gone through the surgeries that gave me my scars then I wouldn’t be able to administer the medication that is keeping me alive.  Perhaps if you hadn’t of gone through what you went through then God wouldn’t have a clear avenue to speak His truth into your life effectively now.

          Maybe someone is going to break your heart again and it’s inevitable that loved ones are going to die, but as a child of God you do not find yourself in a knife fight with an Armenian gang; you are in the ever capable hands of a God who wants nothing more than to heal you. He wants to redeem your past scars and help you through your future ones. 

I pray today that your life’s scars serve as a reminder to you that you survived and that God has not and will not abandon you. 

My beautiful Claire

Night after night, I have this amazingly beautiful dream that I marry a man I’m endlessly in love with and about 12 months later we have a beautiful baby girl named Claire.  She’s lovely. She looks just like him mixed with a blond version of my sister. She’s seems to fill every moments with extra life and love. She coos even when she cries and the only moments she really gets upset is when she’s getting her clothes changed. (Just like my nephews.)    The dream is just so beautiful. It’s a picture of everything I ever hoped my life would be until it nears the end.  When Claire is one she leaves her father and I and goes back to heaven where she came from. Her death is deep and open and raw.  Going to her funeral is hard but perfect. It’s somehow peaceful, like we all have a real knowing that her life was meant to only last a short while. That she was a gift we were meant to keep only in our hearts and not in our arms.  I can’t help but wonder why this dream keeps coming to me. I wake up from my sleep feeling so at peace and content with my life.  I pray that whatever my life may hold that God’s grace is as evident through life’s tragedy’s as it is in my dream.
Lord, whatever my life my end up looking like, thank You for holding it in Your arms.

Corn

Fritos
Popcorn
Corn Nuts
Homany
These are all very different things made out of nothing but salt and corn. This baffles me!

Sometimes a girl just wants things.

I want to be a respectful wife and a compassionate mother.
I want to be a runner and a biker.
I want to make amazing steaks and irresistible hamburgers.
I want to make a pumpkin pie that's so good it could kill a man.
I want to read all of my fathers physics books.
I want to know my Bible inside and out.
I want to be a writer. 
I want to be great at getting stains out of clothes.
I want to own a set of encyclopedia and use it often.
I want to be good at putting buttons back on jackets and fixing zippers on old jeans.
I want to have a house full of things that have real meaning and a usable purpose and not just stuff.
I want to have fond memories of reading with my children.
I want to see love in my husbands eyes even when he is angry.
I want to fall asleep every night thankful.
I want to make money doing something I love, but always motivated by the love, not the money.
I want to always have tons of tissues in my house like my grandparents.
I want to give more the I receive.
I want to be an encourager.
I want to make people smile every time they see me.
I want to be different.
I want to donate books to the library that have meant a lot to me.
I want to always have a song in my heart.
I want to pray the Fathers heart and now always my own.
I want to take pictures that are useful.
I want to go back to the shores of Africa
I want to have s subscription to Popular Mechanics and read and understand it.
I want to be a good friend.
I want to be a servant to the servants.
I want to be the kind of wife who loved God more then she loves her husband.
I want to explode stuff. :-)
I want to touch a B12 bomber.
I want to ride in a real boat.
I want to be punched in the face for a good reason.
I want to drive again.
I want to create something inspirational.
I want to sing…well.
I want to bless the socks off someone without them ever knowing it was me.
I want to go on a road trip across America.
I want to visit Seattle.
I want to see the sunrise on the beach.
I want to help remodel a house.

I want to hear my Savior say “Well done my good and faithful servant.”

So incredibly frustrated today.

Every now and then I have one of those days where my emotions can’t keep up with the facts and I just kind of freak out. Today is one of those days. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything in my life today.  I’m dealing with hypothermia more then ever even though my doctors implied it would go away within a few days of us directly dealing with the problem.  Everything just hurts and my energy is so low right now.  I don’t sleep much at night and don’t eat much during the day. (At least I don’t take in much food that I don’t then throw up) I could go on and on, but you get the picture.  I want so desperately to hang onto joy and peace and hope, but today I’m just upset. I’m so sick of all this.  The real problem with days like this is that they make me feel like a failure.  It makes me feel like I’ve failed at taking proper care of myself and that I’ve failed at keeping my head above the water when it comes to my emotions. BUT I know that I am only human. How easily I forget this. Bad days happen to everyone and today is just mine. Tomorrow will be a new day with new problems and new joys. Tomorrow I will feel better about life, I always do. God’s grace is always there to pick me up when I fall. He’s there when I sin and there when I’m just feeling down. Thank You, Jesus for grace and mercy!
And so I shall have my bad day and try and not let it eat me, but let my emotions kind of run their course. I don’t want to stuff them and have to deal with them again later. That’s never good.  I want to fight my way through them and come out on the other end with a new idea of God’s transforming grace.
We can do this! God and I can do this!

This Is Your Time

From:
Michael W. Smith 
This Is Your Time

There’s a big difference between mission and ambition. Are you pursuing your dream because that’s what God wants you to do, or are you pursuing it because that’s what you want to do? Both can go together, of course. I certainly wanted to play music, and believed God wanted me to as well. But I held my dreams with an open hand. I was willing to let God take them back, because I knew that making records wouldn’t fulfill me; only obedience to God can do that… I derive most of the meaning of life not by things I’ve accomplished, but through the people I love.


-Heart Check-
How’s your perspective? Is your security based on the right thing? Do you clothe yourself with humility? Ask yourself a few questions:

-What do I daydream about? When I’m lying in bed or letting my mind winder during the day, do I dream about being famous and wealthy, or am I praying about how I cab serve God and love others?

-When I enter a room, am I focused on whether others are noticing me, or whether there’s a hurting soul that I need to notice and minister to?

-Is my energy focused on earning earthly or heavenly rewards?

-Is my sense of self-worth dependent on what Jesus has done, or what I have done?

- Am I thankful for what God is doing in my life or bitter about what He’s not doing?

We were created to give God glory and to sing His praises. When we put our best energy and our best efforts into that calling, we won’t have time to worry about our own reputation.

Medication hesitation and being like Christ.

I’m sitting in my room playing with my full IV bag. I should be medicating right now but after an 11 day brake, I’m not eager to begin again. It’s so so nice not having to medicate. Yes, I have still taken all my other medications, but the IV is painful, and it takes a lot longer to infuse then it does to pop a pill.   I always seem to have this problem after a long break.  It’s hard to go back to slavery when you’ve tasted freedom. OK, so it’s not really that bad, I’m just being fussy.  This is one of those moments where I feel very unbrave.  It’s been a hard, but also edifying week. I’ve thrown up a lot this week which I really hate. I had to miss out on another Christmas dinner because of a liver attack which always breaks my heart and the attacks leave me weak and weary. But, I got to go visit my grandparents and beautiful cousin whom I haven’t seen in a long time. It was so nice to be with them, but has left me very worn and tired.  Another of this week’s problems is that I’m not sleeping much. Some nights I barely make it to an hour of decent rest. I’m honestly not sure how much longer I can endure this part.
But, dispute my lack of sleep and medication hesitation, I really do feel so blessed tonight. I’m not in a ton of pain nor am I throwing up today and those are the things that really matter to me. I am thankful! 
My head and heart are spinning tonight with so many thoughts. I don’t feel wrapped up in them, but simply distracted by them. I want to know and understand the full truth of the thoughts I feel like I’m only skimming across. I want to know what it truly means to be Christ-like.  Would Jesus read more and watch less? Would Jesus speak more boldly or perhaps more gently? One thing I know for sure is that Jesus spoke life. I’m really on a kick about this right now. I want my words to be pure truth but also encouraging and perhaps even challenging.  I want to speak life into my family and friends. I want my conversations to be things people look forward to and we both grow from, even if it’s a health conversation or any other difficult subject.

Lord, I really have no idea how to do this. Please guard my words and may I speak only truth and only life.

I think this is perhaps one of those What Goes In Must Come Out kind of situations. Perhaps part of speaking truth is reading it, listening to it and being around it. I am liking this idea. I’m liking it a lot. 

Ok, God, what would You have me read? What would You have me listen to and watch?  Let’s just go all the way shall we? What would You have me eat? What about the people and topics I speak with and about? Lord, I want Your heart for my time and my actions. Lead me not only onward but upward. Lead me not only onward but upward. Lead me not only onward, but upward!