insecurities

It's the middle of the night, the time when my insecurities show themselves to be the most prevalent. The slightest misspoken word or lack of expected communication and I'm thrown. I don't like this part of myself, but here it is.  There really is nothing to be done about it except pray that God will guard my heart and give me His perspective on things. I feel like I've been pleading with Him these things tonight to no avail. No matter what I try and focus on, my brain and emotions come back to insecurity. I'm tired and worn and my guard his down.  And so I lay here and wait for the moon to rise. The moon that will remind me that God is bigger then anything I could ever dream of or experience.
Hope it's not cloudy out tonight.

A perfectionist who is far from perfect

I have come to the conclusion that I am a perfectionist who is far from perfect.  This is making my life horrible. Setting such high standards for myself means that I fail every single day and go to sleep at night regretting all the things I did wrong. Even admitting this make me feel like I've failed.  I want to be the best me I can be. I want to live up to everything God has created me for. BUT I also want to not deny the free gift of grace that God has extended to me. How do I find the line? How do I live in grace without using it as an excuse for not being the best part of myself? I want to live guilt free as the best me. (Hahah. I rhymed.)
Lord, teach me how to live under grace properly. Teach me to accept my own humanity while still striving to be Christ like. I want to be everything You desire for me to be.

Love

The more I study love and the more I experience it's up's and downs in my own life, the more I see that it always involves great pain. All love, any love, in it's truest form, requires sacrifice. In first John we find an amazing passage that says

Dear friends, if God loved us that much, they we should love each other.
1 John 4:11

If God loved us "That much" enough to DIE for us. Who would you die for today of your friends and family? No really? Who? Who would you live for? Who's offense would you choose to look over despite the pain it's caused you in order to show a love like Christ? Who do we choose to forgive? (Which is what Jesus was doing on that cross) Who do we choose to show kindness to despite their indifference to our feelings? Who do we love through fire and through rain? Through the storms in life? Who do we SHOW love to through a drought in their compassion?

I want to learn to love like God did. I want to learn through my anger and disappointment. I want to learn to love by way of sacrifice and pain. Jesus did it. God does it every day as we turn our back on Him and pay attention to frivolous things instead of to His kingdom. I want to love my Savior the way I was created to love Him. And I want to love His people the way He did.

Love So Amazing, So Divine
Demands My Soul, My Life, My All

Put on therefore, as God's elect, holy and beloved, a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, longsuffering; forbearing one another, and forgiving each other, if any man have a complaint against any; even as the Lord forgave you, so also do ye.  Colossians 3:12-13


 

Being happy anyway

I used to think it was one of my best tricks to be happy despite circumstances. I used to think it was something I'd learned to do, but I know better now.  What I knwo now is that it's all thanks to God's grace and His grace alone. He is due all the glory. Now, another thing I've learned is that it's NOT God's doing when I have a bad attitude about things. That's all me baby! Sometimes I don't feel bad but feel like I should.  This week I'm missing out on seeing friends I haven't seen in months. I really don't have words to say how dissipated I am about this. It brakes my heart to disappoint others. I feel like there are no words to convince them that my lack of attendance doesn't imply a lack of love or devotion.  I wish I knew how to explain this. Despite my displeasure about all this (especially right now)  I am happy and content. Things are so... undetermined in my life right now on so many levels, but I trust with all my heart that God can and will handle all, redeem all, and hold me through it all. 
HE IS BIG ENOUGH!

Sick family.

Oh what a week! First off my family is passing around the flu. I have been quarantined to my room with the hopes that I won't catch it.  This means I have a lot of time to do nothing but pray which I love. What I don't love is not being able to help take care of my family. I just want to make the soup and bring them extra blankets and hold my nephew. I hate this! It's one of my least favorite parts about being sick. I hate not being able to take care of everybody all the time. It's kind of what I do. This is annoying.

I think it's time I came to terms.

Yes indeed, I think it's time I came to terms with the fact that I'm sick. It's been a bit more blatantly obvious recently as I've had a bigger bandage on my chest, wrist and ankle braces, a cane, a limp and no hair.  There really is no avoiding the looking ill part of my life. I need to take a good, long look at myself and let this sink in. I AM SICK. It doesn't not define me, but I do need to let to control a bit more of my life. I think I need to stop acting fine and talking myself into being fine and doing things like I'm fine and paying for them all severely later.  Tonight I started paying not after an event but during one. Right in the middle of a party I had to leave (Rudely I may add, as I was starting to cry and didn't want to make a scene with long goodbyes all around). This has not left me very happy with my current state of being. It make me feel like a failure. It makes me feel so week. Satan knows this about me and works it the best he can, but luckily I know he does this so I can combat it a bit since I see it coming.  Ya know, I got to go to church this morning and be prayed over by people who love me. I got to spend time with my Ayers family. I got to see lots of people I love and be with them for a wee bit. This should leave me thankful, and I really am. I'm also angry, but at least we have both going for us tonight.  I really am honored to get to be sick. I get time no one else gets to pray and seek the face of my father. I am so thankful for that gift. I should be thankful for having to come home early tonight because I'm sure that God can and will redeem it.

Lord, I am going to try and take better care of this temple You gave me even if that means missing out on things I want to do and people I want to be with. I am also going to work on being more thankful for the moments out I do get and the fact that I have such an amazing batch of friends who love me even when I can't hang out. Forgive my attitude and thank You for Your grace on my life. Amen

Today

Today I felt more like a sick person then I have in a long time. Because of my hip I've started using a cane. I was out today with friends and couldn't help but feel so obviously sick. I have ankle braces on,  a wrist brace on, a port in my chest, a cane and no hair. Sigh... it was frustrating. But over all it was a good day. I was honored to attend a funeral for a dear lady who truly loved God and it showed through her funeral that was Christ honoring. What a blessing. What a testimony.
As I got home, I feel into bed where I have been ever since. My hip is in more pain the my body knows how to process so I'm shaking and spiking fevers. I'm on a LOT of pain killer and icing my hip a lot but nothing seems to help. I could use some prayer tonight.

Silly day ending well.

Well, it's midnight and I am awake again. I was asleep for a moment, but it didn't last. Today has been crazy dramatic. I'm not even sure why it just seems like everyone has been on edge and everything that's happened has made the world feel like it's ending. In reality nothing really bad happened today.  My heart is at peace at last and, to be honest, I'm kind of glad to be awake to enjoy it.  While I write this I'm watching old Christmas specials and enjoying my shinny, little tree. It's happy! Despite my over all joy, my prayers are very much on deep and big things tonight; things and people that mean a lot to me. I'm kind of on a Change The World One Prayer At A Time rampage. I always imagine God cracking up at me when I get this way.  I can so picture Him going "I'm listening. I'm listening. Slow down baby girl" (He always calls me Baby Girl in my head and my heart too I think) I like it that God listening just as intently to my ramblings as He does to the rare moments when my prayers are well spoken. I love that about Him. He doesn't care what sort of emotions we are struggling with as long as we lay them at His feet. How cool is that!? I love it!
I think I'm going to fall asleep tonight with the knowledge that no matter what, He cares. Sigh... what a great thought to end such a silly day on. Thanks God!

I annoy myself sometimes. Funny.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I fail at life. I just can't seem to do things right today no matter how hard I try.  It's annoying because I know so much of it is just exhaustion and satan taking advantage of that, but I can't seem to shake it.  I've been trying to spend time in worship today. Just get my focus back on what's real and important, but it's making me frustrated too. (I'm not sure why)
I want to be a good friend. I want to be a good sister and daughter. I want to be a good Christ barer. I want to be good at... umm.. anything. (Drama queen, I know)


Lord, please lead me to Your will for my life even if that means failing everything and everyone else. I want to be good at seeking You! Give me what I need to do that Lord. Give me proper confidence and courage to be what you want me to be on this snowy day. Amen.

JOY night!

One of my favorite things about my closest friends is that they can tell how I really feel despite the way I act. Tonight was the JOY Christmas Concert something I DON'T miss. It's a big deal for me and everyone knows it. I normally dress to the hilt and spend hours doing my hair and having my makeup done. (2 things very rare for me)  Today was a bit different without having hair. It took me forever to find something to wear since I've gained so much weight and really didn't want to wear a overly casual hat on my head for such an occasion. I'm learning how vain I really am and not liking this part of myself at all. Not one bit!
  Long story a bit shorter, I went and felt pretty and had a great time. People were sweet and no one asked me anything that made me want to cry. (Which is always a plus. :-)
What blessed me most about tonight were the people who could tell I didn't feel well. That meas so much to me. I'm not really sure why. The two-three people who were there that said "You look good and you are faking it well and I'm sorry you don't feel well tonight." Makes me feel so known, so loved. It's like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold night. I'm smiling just thinking about it.

Tonight really was a great night! I got to hang with my friends and hug my Julie K. (Long overdue)
I am thankful for God's grace.

Here we go

Well, as suggested by many people I have decided to start a blog outside of facebook. At the moment I find this stressful as it's one more thing for me to keep track of and I'm already so behind on the internet, but I'm sure in the long run everyone is right and this will be a good outlet for me.   So... here I am, writing.
Yesterday was one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. My health was pretty low after a week full of hospital visits and unexpected energy zappers. I was suppose to have a party yesterday with some much needed friend time, but I canceled because I was throwing up a lot and didn't think that would make for a very good party.  I just needed to stay in bed.  Oh, but boy did I need the fellowship and just an evening to not think about my pain but just enjoy my friends.  I am looking forward to Tuesday when I can try and have a "night off" again although I'm sure it will be a night filled with questions about my hair, or lack there of.   Oh well, it will be fun anyway.  I am praying that God will let me feel well that night and let me feel beautiful despite my lack of flowing locks.   My hair is starting to grow back a bit right now so it feels awesome! Who needs Jack's head to play with when I have my own awesome feeling head?
Haha... I think this blog is just going to end up being an excuse for me to ramble. That is never good. :-)
Well I'm off for now.
whit