Trying to Shut Down My Brain

Trying to shut down my brain

August 19, 2011 at 1:19am

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What does your last outgoing text say?  “Yeah, I do too. There is this mysterious peace about it”
What did you do today overall?   Spent the day in Toledo at the hospital and running errands
Did you kiss someone more than 20 times in 2011?  Umm on the check, yep
How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?  A lot.  I tend to trust men much faster the girls.
Have you ever talked to someone when they were high? Yep.
How often do you hold back what you want to say? About every day.
Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. what do you do? Put him out!
It's 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely? Seth or Alex or Adam or Bri
Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? I try crazy hard not to, but yes.
Who did you last ride in a car with besides family? Jeremy in his awesome new car that I may or may not name “the force”
How well do you know the last male you texted? Pretty well considering how long we have known each other, but not that well really.
Are any of your friends so close that you consider them family? Yep
Are you good at giving directions?  Oh my no!
What does your mom call you? Who knows. A new word comes out of her almost every time she talks to me.
Are you wearing any make up right now? Not a stitch.
Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? A lot of them.
Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?  Lots of times, but I’m working on it.
Are you nice to everyone? No, but I wish I was.
Is it hard for you to be happy for someone else? No, it’s much easier then to be happy for myself.
How long have you lived in your current home? 3 years
First person to speak to you in 2011? Courtney I’m sure.
Are you afraid of getting your heart broken? Always
Do you like mac n cheese? Deeply!
Relationship between you and the last person you texted? We are dear friends.
Can you remember who texted you last without checking? Yes
Someone knocks on your window at 2am, what do you say? I think I would scream before anything else.
If there was a large spider in the room, would you stay? After I killed it, sure.
Are you taller than 5'5? Yes, but I’m not trilled about that.
Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side? On the side. I love this question BTW
Who was the first person you talked to today? My father who woke me up
Do you think relationships are hard? One of the hardest things ever, but worth it.
What do you currently hear right now? Star trek and my dog snoring.
Would you ever dye your hair blonde? Soon I think.
Would you ever run away and get married with no notifications to your family? I hope not, but it could happen.
If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? Yup.
What was the last thing you cried about? Insecurity.
If you got kicked out of your house, where would you go?  The Ayers
Is it easy to pretend everything's okay for you? Yes
Do you think it makes him weak when a guy cries? Very much no.
Do you think age matters in relationship? Well yeah, but the older I get the less of a deal it is.
If you could make your lips bigger, would you?? Umm no.
Who took your profile picture? Probably me. I don’t remember what one is up right now.
When is your next vacation and where? A long time from now I’m guessing, but I really want to go to Northern MI to visit my family, New York to visit my other family, California to go to my dear friend’s wedding,  Georgia to meet my little fish, and Cincinnati to pretend to meet someone I will never get to meet.
Do you think you would make a good parent? I hope so.
What is your favorite kind of ice cream? I hate this question because it changes all the time.
Have you ever liked someone who treated you like crap? Often
Two months ago, can you remember who you liked? Yep
Do you think people ever change? Yeah I do.  God is cool like that.
How are you feeling right now? Like I should be emailing people instead of doing this nonsensical silliness

Post Surgery

Post surgery

August 2, 2011 at 9:07am

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Ahhhh I have so much to say! I have a whole, amazing and hard week of camp to catch you all up on, but I’m afraid my brain is sort of focused on the fresh scar on my chest.

Yesterday I went in for my 7th surgery.  I think by now I can confidently say I’m old hat at this, but that doesn’t really make it any less painful.   I was really praying that God would allow me to be a bright spot in my medical staff’s day and I really feel like He was faithful in that.  I was awake for the procedure this time and I got to joke and laugh with everyone.   I had a surgeon in training in my room who was less than thrilled about the idea of sticking up the inside of my body.  I had fun talking him into taking the knife in his hand.  It seems fine at the time, but it’s funny looking back on it. I think a good general rule of thumb is that you should never talk ANYONE into cutting you up. If they don’t want to do it, don’t let them do it. J  Ha! But I’m glad I talked him into it.  Obviously I can’t see the inside of my body, but it felt like he did a good job.  I was happy to be able to encourage him. It was fun.  

This surgery was quite the experience because I wasn’t in a ton of pain during the procedure but I felt every cut and stitch.  The doc liked me so he explained things as he went and laughed at all my strange questions.  They took the port out (Which they had trouble with) and then stitched up three places inside my body to close the vain and flesh and then (And this part doesn’t make much sense to me at all) they closed up the wound in three layers.  This part took forever and was rather painful as my meds were wearing off by this time.  But they pumped me back up and I was feeling rather great by the time I got to the recovery room.  I was blessed to have both my parents and an unexpected guest there to greet me.   My friend Alex (For those of you who are wondering, I mean Church Alex) gets 10 million points for stopping in to see me.  He was a nice distraction from the pain and turns out he is a pretty good wheelchair… ummm I mean “pod racer” driver. J

On the way home I was starving which hasn’t happened in about a month so I ate a big salad (Left handed because I’m just cool like that) and then when I got home I ate some more.  This happens every time I have surgery that I’m starving later that day.  It was nice to enjoy food for a bit but I’m really paying for it today. Fighting to not throw up since that could rip stitches and I’m thinking hurt like a cuss word.

Today I’m in a ton of pain and really weary but I’m so far doing better than I had expected.  As long as I sleep a lot and stay distracted when I’m awake (Hence this note) then I should be ok I think.

I have to be really careful for about a week with my right side and arm.  Tomorrow night I get to take the bandage off and clean the wound a bit. Both looking forward to and dreading that.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and notes of encouragement. I’m really behind on writing you all back, so please be gracious with me over the next few weeks as I try and catch up.
I honestly mean it when I say that I love you all.  You were made in God’s image and that is really evident in how much you have blessed by life.
Be in peace!
Whit

Random Food Thoughts

Random food thought.

July 4, 2011 at 10:33pm

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Rice is my all time favorite food. More specifically jasmine rice, although I've never had a grain of rice I didn't love.

I think fresh pineapple and peaches comes in right behind that.

I'm a bread girl. It's my weakness. I love bread

My favorite drink is Raspberry lemonade.

I like tea... a lot.

Snap peas and English cucumbers bring me more joy then any food really should.

Not much of a desert person. I love some pies and angle food cake makes the world go round. More deeply when it's covered in strawberries and orange juice.

I don't like chocolate unless it's cold milk chocolate.
I don't like most meat even though I eat it all the time
I don't love garlic (but I eat it sometimes)
In my brain, almonds and peanuts are the only nuts we humans were ever meant to eat.
I don't like rich things. Like cheesecake

I am all about the candy!
Popcorn in the best comfort food.
Cheese should be as mild as possible.

Back to the rice thing... I can pretty much eat my weight in rice. When we are at a Chinese restaurant, I'll spend more money on rice then everyone else did on their main dish.

Learning Lessons 5-15-11

Learning lessons

May 15, 2011 at 9:20pm

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It's been a while since I have felt this isolated and out of place.   It seems that everyone, including me, has grown quiet the last few weeks.  I feel on my own more then I'm used to. I have dear amazing friends who are always there for me, but I'm sick of complaining about the same thing over and over again so I've shut up a lot. This makes me feel like no one knows and no one understands.  I think the fact that I'm wearing dark sunglasses all the time makes the isolation a bit more real. No one can see my eyes so I feel like no one is really looking at me or seeing me.  I know it's all so silly.

I didn't get to sleep last night so I had lots of time just to worship and pray. I love so much that God is big enough to except my frustrations without getting overwhelmed or frustrated back.  I feel like God is trying to teach me some hard things through all this and I know with all my heart that it will be worth it.  My eyes hurt so much so I am praying that God will teach me to better use my spiritual eyes. To see things, and especially people, through HIS eyes.   I seem to be getting more and more fragile which takes away my feeling of independence.  So I'm learning to trust God with the little things. If I can trust Him with my forever then I need to be able to trust Him with my dislocated ribs.

Not gonna lie. These are not fun lessons to learn, but I am thankful that God cares enough about me to not just let me walk through life, but helps me to keep growing and changing.  I want to be a better person today then I was yesterday.  I don't want to take things for granted. I want to learn from everything. I want to live my life with a thankful heart. I have not been good at that this week.

Lord, thank You for always keeping me in Your hands. Thank you for loving me enough to let me learn the hard lessons. I know that You cry when I cry and understand every kind of emotional or physical pain I may every go through.  Thank You that You made a way for your children to be able to talk and hear You no matter what we are doing. Even in my sleep, I hear Your voice and sense your presents.  You are good and faithful even when my fears take over my heart. May my life bring glory to Your name.

New Blog page

Hey friends, after a few hours of work and some help from my sister, I have switched blog accounts.  I don't like the set up of this other account as much but it will make it much easier for you all to comment and fallow.
I have transferred all the relevant blogs to the new site so you can read back posts.
With this new blog you can subscribe and get an email every time I post. You can also comment back right from your email account. How cool is that?
Hope this works out better for everybody.
Thanks for reading.
Whit

http://mygodisbigenough.wordpress.com

Upside down Audi

Little known fact about me: When I’m really, REALLY frustrated I flip upside down.     I have no idea why this is true about me, but I’ve done it since I was a kid.    Today I have spent a lot of time with the blood rushing to my head.   

I’ve been paying attention to myself a lot lately to see what it is that triggers my frustration and I think I’ve got it pegged.  So often in my life there is something big going on that is overwhelming enough that I fight hard not to think about it.  When I have something big hiding under my skin, all the little things start to really bother me.  One misspoken word, one bad IV night, one small mistake and I’m a mess.   I find it funny about myself that I’m able to let God handle the big things, but little things keep me up at night.   

Tonight the little thing that’s got me upside down is that I don’t have my license.   It’s such a little thing, but it’s driving me nuts tonight.  Hahah! Driving me! Get it? Haha! I didn’t even see that joke coming.  

 It’s so frustrating to not be able to go where I want to go. My family, my father especially, are so so sweet to take me where I need to go, but I hate asking them to take me places I want to go but don’t really need to go to.  It’s a freedom most people have that I’ve never known just to hop in a car and go to the store or leave a party when you want to.   

I feel so silly for being upset about this, but I’m a big fan of open honesty and tonight I am almost in tears about this.  I’m 25 and have never been able to go someplace all by myself.  Sometimes I feel like I’m in a cage.  It’s a beautiful cage and I have no right to complain.

Lord, teach me to be content and thankful for all the amazing blessings you have given me. Help me to trust You even when i don't understand.  Little or Big, I know that You are in control and nothing is beyond your miracles.  I am whole, license or not.

I have a dear friend who calls me Audi which is one of my favorite nick names. I guess if I can’t drive a luxury car, I will just be one instead. :-)

Sauna

As part of my medical plan, I have started using a dry sauna 3 days a week. 

I had my first sauna (Is that how you say it? “I had a sauna”?) yesterday.  It was kind of fun.  I love the way it smells, and I love being warm.  I kind of feel like a princess inside the little room.  I’ve always loved small spaces, the smell of wood and being warm… it’s pretty much my favorite spot right now.  Today I sat in there, listened to Adventures in Odyssey (Laugh at me if you want) and looked through CB2 magazines.  Happy!  It’s really great being in there, but I kind of feel like I just ran a marathon when I get out.  It’s very draining.  Today I knew I was having a bad day because I was in the 115 degree room for 20 min and was cold the whole time and never managed to break a sweat. Silly body.

I am excited to be doing something so good for my body that doesn’t also involve damaging it. This is such a blessing. And did I mention it smells really good? 

Whit’s music playlist for today.

These are some of my favorite non-religious songs and what I found myself listening to tonight.

Nature boy – Nat King Cole

It’s just so… jazz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iq0XJCJ1Srw

If I fell – The Beatles.

Performed by Maroon 5.

I really have no idea why I love this song so much, but I just do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2p1N0ce6-rM

I really have no idea why I love this song so much, but I just do.

Fix You- Coldplay

I listened to this song about 50 times (no kidding) on the way home from South Africa. It’s important to me.     

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeEEFKeGcTc

 

Do you remember – Jack Johnson

Again, this song is really a big deal to me. I’m not sure why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Y5kxOGhqrw&feature=related

 

Dream On – Aerosmith

I have no good excuse for why I like this song.  Go ahead, judge me. I admit it. I love this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jb4kvh1XZ14

 

Falling Slowly – Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová

This one is a new one for me, but I just really love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPbC2YrUUsI

 

 Here Comes The Sun – Beatles

Come on, this song is just so happy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsv34Ng_Rik

 

Fly Me To The Moon – Frank Sinatra.

You just can’t beat this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9h0MNMfKuQ

 

1000 miles – Mark Schultz

It’s just so pretty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfR9VUz2BxE

 

I’m Gonna Be – The Steven Curtis Chapman version

This song just makes me happy. I love the original Scottish band singing it just because their voices are happy, but the words are not so cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeLzCAnx_fM

 

Till Kingdom Come – Coldplay

Yeah, I just love this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd8k2jy3g9E

DYNAMITE

There is a verse in 2 Corinthians many Christians have long since had memorized.  The ESV reads it as

For the sake of Christ then, I am content with my weakness, insults, hardships, persecution, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

It’s always been one of my favorite verses as it speaks so clearly to those days we all have were it feels like our lives are out of control. (To which I have about a million)  I was reading my devotions today in the book Streams in the Desert.   It said that that verse is more accurately translated

Therefore I take pleasure in being without strength, being insulted, experiencing emergencies, and being chased and forced into a corner for Christ’s sake; for when I am without strength, I am DYNAMITE.

As I read this verse translated this way, people and situations were filling my mind. I felt like I wanted to send a copy of the verse to everyone I know with a letter attached that read   “Did you know you could be dynamite for Christ?”   It’s what I’ve always wanted to be.  It’s what I long for!  I didn’t know that all my efforts and striving to escape my weaknesses so I could DO something for Christ, was really me running away from a gift.

I want to better myself. I want to be more Christ-like today then I was yesterday. I want to grow and change and experience, BUT I will never be God (Thank goodness) and so I will always have weakness. There is no escaping it or growing all the way out of it. THAT’S OK!  “For when I am without strength, I am DYNAMITE”   I can just picture demons sounding the warning to each other when I open my eyes each morning. “She’s awake and she doesn’t feel well. Look out! She’s gonna do something big for Christ today!”  They scatter in all directions, trying to escape the explosion.  (Insert my conquering laugh here)  I love this!

In all things we are more then conquerors through Him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, not angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, not powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37+38

Not even my weakness will separate me from the love of Christ. I am MORE then a conqueror, I am dynamite!

The joys of loosing my mind.

So I'm completely loosing my brain function and in the process losing a lot of my possessions. I'm a wee bit famous in my household for knowing where everything is at all times. I can even find things that belong to other people really fast. Well, I could do those things. Recently I can't remember where I put anything and have such a hard time finding anything. Right now I am missing a very important object and it's driving me mad!  I feel like I can't accomplish anything while it's missing.  A friend of mine keeps telling me that this is the way the rest of the world feels and I'm not going crazy I'm just becoming normal, but this is new for me so it's not fun.
How do you people live this way? How do you function while the missing sock is somewhere in the laundry? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Yup, gonna need some popcorn. It's just that kind of day.

25

So my birthday yesterday was rather dramatic. It started out with me throwing up, add in a little family disagreements, some crying, some moping, one unexpected wall placement, (OK, that could have just been me) and you get one really lame start to a birthday. But, as the day went on it got better and better.
I got to see my grandparent which was very nice!

 I got to see my family which always fills me with great joy! I am so thankful for them!  

I got a really happy pineapple and then I ate grilled pineapple.

It was delicious! 

I ended the day with the worlds best friends and beating their butts at Nertz! Booyah!

I got some beautiful gifts and felt very loved and deeply blessed!   My God has the power to redeem. 

I love this picture! It cracks me up!

Playing Nertz and eating lots of sugar!

The worlds most beautiful trash can. A gift from my parents. Made me so crazy happy!

Amazing knifes from my sister! (I had to take this picture while my hair looked this cool. )

Mac and Cheese that has no gluten in it! Yeah baby!

IVY!

Aren't they beautiful?!

The joy of all joy...FLOWERS!

:-)

 

Pictures of the past

As I've rearranged my room I have slowly been rearranging all the pictures that I have up. This seems like a simple thing, but it's been really emotional for me. There are so many pictures up of people I don't really have a connection to anymore, but it's hard for me to let go of things and for whatever reason, taking down their picture feels so final.  Unfortunately keeping pictures of past friends up means that there isn't room to put up pictures I'm currently connected to.  The more I think about it the more I realize that my pictures are a perfect metaphor for my life.  Sometimes I hold onto the past so tightly that there isn't room for a real future. I take up all my emotional space with things that have long since passed and forget to enjoy and deal with the now.

Lord, please teach me to not harbor the past but simply leave it at Your feet. Teach me to embrace the now and the future even if it's scary and undefined. Thank You for taking people out of my life who don't need to be there and for always being faithful to give me the relationships I need. You are faithful!

I want to eat...

If I were going to cheat on one food this is what it would be!
I love this stuff!
http://www.schwans.com/products/productDetail.aspx?id=57056&c1=11454

A hair-impaired’s first attempt at taming the beast.

This is what my hair looks like when I first wake up

Right after a shower

We are going to attempt to use this stuff... whatever it is.

Ummm.... what now?

Best I could do. :-)

Sorry if none of this makes sense. I've mostly lost my mind. :-)

So one of the new problems I’ve been having is that I’m loosing some of my short term memory.  Sometimes this is really frustrated because I remember that I can’t remember, but sometimes it’s really funny.      A few days ago I got a new rug for my doorway. ($2.95 baby!) I just remembered I had it today and put it down on my floor. Immediately after I placed it I walked out to talk to my Papa for a minute.  I wasn’t out of my room 10 minutes when I walked back into my room and screamed because I stepped on my run having completely forgotten it was there.  (I know, funny right?)  This same thing has happened to me at least 5 times so far tonight.  Besides almost peeing my pants so many times and freaking my family out when I squeal,  I find this particular account of forgetfulness really flipping funny.

I seem to have about 1 day a week were I can even try and read or write or process any slightly complicated thought.  6 days of the week I am really annoyed and feel very disconnected because I can do very little real communication beyond “hi” and “I'm going back to bed”.  But, on that one day I don’t just feel normal, I feel super human! It’s like I have magic skills.  There really is nothing special about my skills that day it’s just that I’ve been without normal function for so long that doing simple things like reading my devotions in the morning makes me feel like I could save the world.  It’s kind of fun.
On that note, I’m really sorry everyone for my lack of communication and slow responses to things. My brain power is very limited right now.  This too shall pass and I’ll be back to normal me soon enough.  In the mean time you are all welcome to laugh at the fallowing story. It’s funny.

So the other day I was getting out of the shower. I put my first leg into my pants and then had a brain seizure and just froze. For the life of me I could not remember how to get my other leg into the pants. I knew my objective I could just not remember how to accomplish it.  I just stood there in the bathroom for several seconds  laughing because it was such a funny thing to forget how to do.  Don’t worry, I figured it out and have been wearing pants successfully every since.  How awesome is that? J

Having seizures has been an interesting experience for me. I’ve been fearing them since I first found out I had stage 3 lyme and learned that they could be part of my future.  I have two different kinds of seizures. One is very frightening and one is mostly funny.  The frightening ones are when I just start to jerk and shake out of no where. They mostly happen at night and are very scary. (Some other time I will write more about how I feel about all this)  The other kind I wouldn’t have even known was a seizure except for some research I’ve done.  This kind is kind of hard to explain. It’s just like my body forgets for a few seconds how to do something it used to do automatically.  Like I put food in my mouth but forget to close it so all the food just falls right back out. Or I’m walking and I take a step with my left foot but my right foot just doesn’t move.  It’s like I have to remember to do things normal people never even think about.  A few days ago I went to hug my mother and while walking forward towards her I just forgot to stop and just plowed right into her.   “Oh yeah, I should have stopped walking” I thought.  It’s so strange.  Anyway, I’ll go more into this next time I’m able to write.

But, Over all I am really happy. So enjoying my new cameras. What a blessing to have that hobby back! I’ve been really annoyed to not be able to read or write much as that is a lot of what takes up my time, but I’m enjoying praying  and playing with my nephew and niece since my energy levels are so up right now. Life is good!

Not Processing and New Cameras.

Hey friends,
It has indeed been a long time since I have written on here or even emailed many of you. I am truly sorry for that. I have been having a lot of trouble processing things the last few weeks. I've been trying to write this update all day and just keep having to stop because I forget what I'm talking about or I start writing jibberish.

I feel like I have so much to share with you all. God has been doing amazing things through some interesting circumstances, but I am fighting too hard to write this to continue much longer.

One quick note is that God has answered a prayer I have been praying for a year and a half and I was just given two new cameras!  A pocket and a EOS. Both of which I have been praying for as mine have been broken for quite some time  I am so unbelievable thankful and am excited about learning the ins and outs of them once I get my brain back. 

I will do my best to fill you all in on things soon. Thank you so much for your love and support even when I can't properly express my love and support back.