Pictures of the past

As I've rearranged my room I have slowly been rearranging all the pictures that I have up. This seems like a simple thing, but it's been really emotional for me. There are so many pictures up of people I don't really have a connection to anymore, but it's hard for me to let go of things and for whatever reason, taking down their picture feels so final.  Unfortunately keeping pictures of past friends up means that there isn't room to put up pictures I'm currently connected to.  The more I think about it the more I realize that my pictures are a perfect metaphor for my life.  Sometimes I hold onto the past so tightly that there isn't room for a real future. I take up all my emotional space with things that have long since passed and forget to enjoy and deal with the now.

Lord, please teach me to not harbor the past but simply leave it at Your feet. Teach me to embrace the now and the future even if it's scary and undefined. Thank You for taking people out of my life who don't need to be there and for always being faithful to give me the relationships I need. You are faithful!

I want to eat...

If I were going to cheat on one food this is what it would be!
I love this stuff!
http://www.schwans.com/products/productDetail.aspx?id=57056&c1=11454

A hair-impaired’s first attempt at taming the beast.

This is what my hair looks like when I first wake up

Right after a shower

We are going to attempt to use this stuff... whatever it is.

Ummm.... what now?

Best I could do. :-)

Sorry if none of this makes sense. I've mostly lost my mind. :-)

So one of the new problems I’ve been having is that I’m loosing some of my short term memory.  Sometimes this is really frustrated because I remember that I can’t remember, but sometimes it’s really funny.      A few days ago I got a new rug for my doorway. ($2.95 baby!) I just remembered I had it today and put it down on my floor. Immediately after I placed it I walked out to talk to my Papa for a minute.  I wasn’t out of my room 10 minutes when I walked back into my room and screamed because I stepped on my run having completely forgotten it was there.  (I know, funny right?)  This same thing has happened to me at least 5 times so far tonight.  Besides almost peeing my pants so many times and freaking my family out when I squeal,  I find this particular account of forgetfulness really flipping funny.

I seem to have about 1 day a week were I can even try and read or write or process any slightly complicated thought.  6 days of the week I am really annoyed and feel very disconnected because I can do very little real communication beyond “hi” and “I'm going back to bed”.  But, on that one day I don’t just feel normal, I feel super human! It’s like I have magic skills.  There really is nothing special about my skills that day it’s just that I’ve been without normal function for so long that doing simple things like reading my devotions in the morning makes me feel like I could save the world.  It’s kind of fun.
On that note, I’m really sorry everyone for my lack of communication and slow responses to things. My brain power is very limited right now.  This too shall pass and I’ll be back to normal me soon enough.  In the mean time you are all welcome to laugh at the fallowing story. It’s funny.

So the other day I was getting out of the shower. I put my first leg into my pants and then had a brain seizure and just froze. For the life of me I could not remember how to get my other leg into the pants. I knew my objective I could just not remember how to accomplish it.  I just stood there in the bathroom for several seconds  laughing because it was such a funny thing to forget how to do.  Don’t worry, I figured it out and have been wearing pants successfully every since.  How awesome is that? J

Having seizures has been an interesting experience for me. I’ve been fearing them since I first found out I had stage 3 lyme and learned that they could be part of my future.  I have two different kinds of seizures. One is very frightening and one is mostly funny.  The frightening ones are when I just start to jerk and shake out of no where. They mostly happen at night and are very scary. (Some other time I will write more about how I feel about all this)  The other kind I wouldn’t have even known was a seizure except for some research I’ve done.  This kind is kind of hard to explain. It’s just like my body forgets for a few seconds how to do something it used to do automatically.  Like I put food in my mouth but forget to close it so all the food just falls right back out. Or I’m walking and I take a step with my left foot but my right foot just doesn’t move.  It’s like I have to remember to do things normal people never even think about.  A few days ago I went to hug my mother and while walking forward towards her I just forgot to stop and just plowed right into her.   “Oh yeah, I should have stopped walking” I thought.  It’s so strange.  Anyway, I’ll go more into this next time I’m able to write.

But, Over all I am really happy. So enjoying my new cameras. What a blessing to have that hobby back! I’ve been really annoyed to not be able to read or write much as that is a lot of what takes up my time, but I’m enjoying praying  and playing with my nephew and niece since my energy levels are so up right now. Life is good!

Not Processing and New Cameras.

Hey friends,
It has indeed been a long time since I have written on here or even emailed many of you. I am truly sorry for that. I have been having a lot of trouble processing things the last few weeks. I've been trying to write this update all day and just keep having to stop because I forget what I'm talking about or I start writing jibberish.

I feel like I have so much to share with you all. God has been doing amazing things through some interesting circumstances, but I am fighting too hard to write this to continue much longer.

One quick note is that God has answered a prayer I have been praying for a year and a half and I was just given two new cameras!  A pocket and a EOS. Both of which I have been praying for as mine have been broken for quite some time  I am so unbelievable thankful and am excited about learning the ins and outs of them once I get my brain back. 

I will do my best to fill you all in on things soon. Thank you so much for your love and support even when I can't properly express my love and support back.

Will write soon.

Just FYI I have not been able to read or write much this week and that's why I'm not writing or responding to much.  It will go away soon. Thanks for your understanding. Love you all!

Frustrated... again

People ask me a lot why I don’t get depressed or upset about things. Well, the truth is that I do, but admittedly not very often. What I do get is frustrated. Very, very frustrated!  Tonight is one of those nights where I just feel so flipping frustrated.  I get frustrated with myself when I feel like I’ve failed at something and I get frustrated with my life where there are things that I can’t control.
I am going to fail.
Life is out of my control.
I’m aware of this.
Tonight I have been in tears out of frustration and I don’t know how to snap out of it.  I know myself well enough to know that I just need a good night’s sleep and some time and I’ll be fine, but right now I just want to curl into a ball in the corner and cry until I run out of tears. Ahh… that sounds so nice!

Lord, You know my heart and my silly emotions. You know what is worth getting upset about and the parts of my life that I so easily forget You are in full control of. Help me to remember and trust. Help me to set my mind on things above.   You are enough.

New Room

Guess what… I’m writing this note from my new bed! Ha! You didn’t even know I was getting a new bed did ya?   Surprise!   Well, to be honest it was a surprise to me too.  In a whirlwind of a day, I quite unexpectedly received a new bed and two new pieces of furniture for me room.
What an amazing gift!  
My doctors have been telling me for awhile that I should be using an adjustable bed, but we couldn’t afford it and I didn’t want one more thing in my life to be proof that I’m sick.  I do not like things that set me apart in that way.   I will admit that I was really upset when I found out about the bed at first. I don’t do change well and, like I said, I didn’t want to be reminded that I’m sick enough to need a special bed.  It’s been a few days since I found out I was getting it and now I am so excited about it all.  This bed is truly an amazing gift and I am looking forward to sleeping better at nights because of it. The other new furniture is so beautiful too! Far beyond anything I ever imagined my room having in it.  My father keeps saying how excited he is that I now have “grown up furniture”. Haha!  It’s taken us four days, but my room is finally put back together and everything has a new home.   I think Pete and I will be very happy here! (If you don’t know who Pete is, don’t panic. He’s an inanimate object.)

It is so like God to use His children to provide such a great blessing.  Unfortunately it is also so like me to freak out about a good thing at first.  I really am speechlessly thankful for this new furniture and especially the amazing bed! 

A huge thank you to my grandparents and my father for all his hard work.

I am blessed!

Bri and I checking out the new bed.

Junk Food.

Since the early Fall I have not been eating meat or sugar. A few weeks ago I found out that I would be cutting a lot more out of my diet as well for 8 long months. So... I decided to eat all the things I love the most! Yup, I gave myself one week to go nuts and eat pretty much nothing but junk. The new diet starts on Monday and I am almost looking forward to it. I'm up for a good challenge. In the mean time I'm enjoying my Mt. Dew, pizza, Lucky Charms, snickers, and honey roasted peanuts.

I haven't eaten this much junk in years! It's awesome!
Who's got some good suggestions on what else I should eat before Monday?