I get to pray!

SO it’s after 1 and I am still in bed. It’s just one of those day. BUT I have had such awesome prayer time for so many people whom I count it such a great honor to pray for. I love praying. I can’t believe God let’s me do it. It feels like something that sound be earned. I get to talk to the creator of the universe any time I want. THAT’S SO AMAZING! I also count it a great honor to be able to pray for my friends and family. It feels like things I shouldn’t be aloud to bring up because I’m not worthy, but God let’s me talk about whatever I want AND He listens. HE LISTENS! Oh my stars, that is so cool!

Puking and spitting

So right now I'm throwing up. Well, not right right now, but I keep stopping writing, throw up, and then come back to you all. (Girl's got to do something distracting) -puke-Throwing up is something I hate, but I'm really used to it, so it's no big deal really.  You can't really laugh while -puke- you throw up, but I am cracking myself up on the inside because after you throw up you have to spit for awhile to get all the leftovers out of your mouth. (Of you so know what I'm talking about) - puke- Now, I am laughing at myself because I am the worst spitter I know. -puke- -puke- -puke- I keep spitting into this bucket and cracking up because I can't do it right. I'm like cheering myself on in my head trying to spit properly one time and I get so excited when I can spit without having those strings leftover. (Ok, that may have been a bit too much information) -puke puke-  I'm rocking back and forth praying "God, please help me to stop throwing up and Lord, I would really like to spit correctly just once!"

It's the little things in life that you can find humor in that keep life from always being sad.
What are you guys finding funny tonight?

Overwhelmed part 2

Because of the amazing night I had, I am unable to sleep tonight because my body won't stop jerking. Don't worry, it's not big deal, just my payment for standing up for so long. Totally worth it.  The longer I lay here the more my mind wonders to all the things I would have changed about tonight. So many things I would have said or done or people I know where there whom I am so sad I never made it over to. (Sorry people) If I let myself think about it too long, I start to cry because I wanted so badly to do things just right. You all deserved that. BUT, God is not letting me wallow for too long before he gently reminds me that He is using my life for His glory no mater what.  All my mistakes and the moments I missed or misused, He is willing to bring Himself glory anyway.  I am not trying to use His grace as an excuse, but I am finding much peace in it tonight.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you all for your love and support. Thank you for loving me even when i'm nuts. Hahah!

overwhelmed

I am so out of words tonight but I feel like if I don't write I'm going to explode so here goes.
Tonight was the benefit dinner my amazing sister in law put together to raise money for my health bills. It was a night I was looking forward to and also dreading. I kept having day dreams about people coming and yelling at me for not being good enough to have so many people supporting me.  It was very hard for me to be there tonight and not run and hid behind a wall because I just didn't feel worthy of all this people's love and support.
I have no words to tell you how thankful I am to God for giving me such a support system.  The amount of people who put so much time and effort into this night is so amazing! My brain can just not wrap around that kind of willingness to help me. I can't even form a full thought about it. I feel like my thank you's just fell so short of how I really feel.
I did not deserve tonight. I do not deserve the love and support that I have been given, but God's grace is so clearly covering my life and I know that it was His love oozing out of so many people tonight. I am a child of God, made in His image. He loves me and tonight He chose to use His children to show that to me.

I know this sounds cheesy, but I really don't have words to thank Emily and all those who put so much work into tonight.

I will write more about this later when my brain has space to think.

Thank you all for all your love. I will do my best to live up to your affections, not for you, (sorry) but for the Glory of my Savior.

Results are in, baby

Hey my peeps, you all have been so sweet to ask me about my test results so I think it's high time I update everyone.  The results are in and I'm actually a monkey! Ok, maybe not.  The real of it is that I do not have thyroid problems not do I have diabetes. The symptoms I've had of those things are just my Lyme acting up and messing with things. Well, this is what we are figuring. (I still think I could be a monkey)  I do have a D deficiency and hypoglycemia (which I already knew).

I had an appointment with my new again local MD (He was my doctor once before). He wants to put me on an 8 month plan of supplements, silver, and a very strict diet. He is hoping to be able to get my symptoms under control in this time. He admits that it will be a hard road and I will most likely get worse before I get better, but if it works, it will be worth it. He says he has seen people on this regiment be 80 percent better after the 8 months which sounds pretty wonderful to me.  There are a few specific dangerous symptoms we are watching closely and will need to medicate separately if they do not go away soon.

I think that's about it for now. It's been a week filled with tests and doctors and hospital visits, but we have a new plan and that is good.

Death 2-18-11

The news of death is cold and deep almost before the words make it through the ears.

Yesterday my sister got the news that Josie, a friend from church, had suddenly passed away from complications of the H1N1 virus. She had given birth to a beautiful baby girl just a few days before.  The whole thing is all so shocking and brass. I can’t even wrap my brain around being Josie’s husband, Hunter. His best friend in all the world has suddenly passed away leaving him alone with a two year old and a new born. How does he go on? How does he not get become bitter at God?  What does he tell his little girl when she is crying for momma? It all just breaks me heart so much.

Today we were stuck in traffic for a long time because of a car accident.  We watched and prayed as someone was torn from their car and Life Flighted away.  We watched and waited as others were taken in ambulances and the crushed cars were towed from the scene.  It was all just another reminded of how fleeting life is.

Death is the most not understood thing that ever happens. It comes when we don’t expect it and leave us wondering, sometimes forever why God let it happen, but death for someone who is saved is the most wonderful moment of all time. It’s the moment that ever dream we’ve ever have is fulfilled.  It’s so like God to take the saddest thing about being human and also have it be the most amazing part about being His child.

The waiting room is a strange place to wait

Being in a waiting room for 6 hours proves to be a very interesting experience. My first observation is that it’s really uncomfortable. Those chairs are so not designed for long term sitting.  Observation # 2 is that the glass partition between the lobby and the registration desk is not sound proof.  I now know the names, addresses and social security numbers of about 30 people. #3 is that people do some pretty strange things when they have time to kill before getting their blood taken. One man broke up with his girlfriend over the phone, VERY LOUDLY on Valentines day. (And he really liked the F word.) One old couple wouldn’t stop kissing which kind of made me happy, but was also a little uncomfortable. A one legged man felt the need to yell everything he ever said to anyone.  The business woman’s face was hilarious to watch as she tried to not laugh at America Dad playing on the TV.  It seemed that half the people who came in had something inappropriate to say into their cell phones for all of us to hear.  No one seemed strong enough to open the heavy door on the first try which seemed to delight the on looking nurses.  One of my favorite moments of the day was when a nurse slid open the glass door and stumbled her way through saying “Is there a Mr. Umm… well… a Mr. Gory here?”. We all had a good chuckle as the man stood and informed her that his name was Gary.  How did she not guess that?
When we first arrived in the waiting room, a male nurse came running out the EMPLOYEES ONLY door, through the lobby, down the hall and to the bathroom. Now, I’ve been in the ER when people were dying and I have never seen a nurse move so fast. I so laughed out loud when he came back through and I thought to myself “He is so going to end up being my nurse. Sure enough, he was the first nurse I saw. Good, old Eddy!  It was so hard not to laugh at him as his hands shook nervously and he kept saying  “I’m so sorry Hun. I’m so sorry”. You would have thought he was trying to take blood from Heidi Clum.  I have a nice bruise on my arm from that man’s shaky hands.  As the day went on he seemed to calm down and we went from nervousness to a somewhat confident slight flirtation and over attentiveness.  Ahhh men crack me up!  The day ended on a high as one of my nurses sang “Pizza or Chinese? Pizza or Chinese?” after discussing the fact that I was now aloud to eat things. She was so funny! 

The day had it’s Long, annoying moments, but over all it was kind of fun to watch people come in and out and make up stories in my head about why there were there.   Nine hours after leaving the house, Dad and I got home at last and I flopped into bed. I slept for a little while and woke up feeling so horrible. It ended up being one of those night where I feel the need to tell everyone I love them, just in case I die or slip into a coma or something. (I know, I’m so dramatic)  Today I am laying low, but feeling much much better. I go back to the docs on Friday to talk about the results of everything. I know this sounds silly but I am really hoping they have found something wrong. Invisible, no name pain is just annoying. I want a reasonable explanation as to why I am not getting better.
God knows and He will provide answers when and if I need them. He’s just cool like that.
Thanks everybody for your prayers.
I really do love you all. (Dying or not ;-)

waiting in the waiting room with nothing better to do then... well... wait

Bed at last!

Through it all

Last night I fell asleep to the sound of crying in my house. This morning I woke up to a text informing me that tragedy had struck another friend.  It seems that there has not been a moment of peace for the Heeres house so far in 2011.  I am definitely not enjoying this year so far.  Through it all I so desperately want to hang onto joy. I know that when someone dies, morning must be part of the process. I know that when someone brakes your heart there is going to be a wound to mend.  I’m not asking to skip the hard stuff, I just want to be better at hanging onto joy through it all.  Life is hard. That’s all there is to it, but God has given us His holy spirit to speak gently to our hearts. The Bible says that God has peace that transcends all understanding ready and waiting to guard our hearts and minds. Joy (not happiness) waits in the presents of my Savior.

Last night I went to bed sad. This morning I woke up sad. I’ve been awake for a while now and I’m still sad. This is not good!

Like I said, I don’t wish to skip over the hard stuff. I am thankful for the trials and struggles in life. Without them I would not learn, I would not grow.  People say this earth is just a training ground for heaven. In heaven there are no more tears, no more sorrow.  I would very much like to train for that part now. Sigh… deep down, at the core of who I am, I know without question that my God is good and that I am right where I belong in the palm of His hand. But on the surface, in the moment that is today, I feel overwhelmed without understanding of the bigger picture.  Last night I caught myself saying to God “Why are you doing this to me?”.  It’s a perfectly legitimate question, but I do not expect God to answer it. God knows better then to give in to the tantrum of His children.  I think of it as a parent with a sick kid. They go to the hospital and the Doctor says it’s going to take a shot of medication to get the child well again. The parents knows the shot is going to cause their child pain and that the child is not old enough to understand the reasons for the harsh poke, but it must be done. The parents stand in tears as a nurse holds down their screaming child. It’s heart braking, but it’s necessary. The child looks desperately at the parents with fear in their eyes, but the parents know they must not stop the process.  God knows when my soul is sick. He knows it will take a trial to teach me the lesson I lack. He watches with tears in His eyes as I go through pain I don’t understand. He listens intently to my questions and faithful answers those I will understand the answers to, but the answers I will not understand He omits.  He needs me to trust that this pain is only temporary and worth every horrible moment. The child will not get better without the shot and I will not grow into who I was created to be without the trial.

Lord, I really don’t know why You have chosen to put me through this current struggle. It makes me angry. But I do know that You would not do it without good reason and I trust that You will be with me through to the other side.  Thank You for being so faithful to continue to give me opportunity to trust You.  Teach me to have joy through the struggle. Teach me to stay the best part of myself even when life is bringing me down. My life is in Your hands and I want nothing more then for it to stay there.

You Are Big Enough!

Pictures

A few weeks ago I was asked to make a picture board of my medical journey to put up at the benefit dinner being held for me later this month.  I thought this would be a fun project and no problem.  I’ve procrastinated about it since I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but today I decided to get cracking.  What started out as a fun art project has turned into a rather strange emotional process.  I started out by sorting through hundreds of pictures in a file marked “health stuff”.  Looking at them on a screen in one thing but after printing some I’m holding all these memories in my hands now and it just feels so strange.  Yes, there are a lot of happy pictures like playing in the giant revolving door with my friend Bri at Cleveland Clinic, but most of the pictures bring up bad memories of hours spent in the ER and surgery prep. The one thing that really stands out to me in all the pictures is that I’ve adapted. You give a human enough time, and we can get used to just about anything.  I got used to the braces and crutches. I got used to the lines hanging out my arms and neck. I got used to masks and gloves.  In so many ways I’ve gotten used to being sick.

Now, the question is… is this a good thing?

It's been a long 5 years!

More tests

Hey people, wanted to update you on my appointment with the Endocrinologist on Friday.  It may have been the shortest appointment I’ve ever had, but it was good.  I started it by freaking out the nurse. It took her two tries to get my blood pressure because it was too low to show up the first time.  When she finally got my blood pressure Bri (Who took me to the appointment) asked me how I was even standing because it was so low.  It’s always funny to freak the nurses out. J 
The doc checked me over and asked a few questions before ordering tests.
I have two weeks to get these tests done before a fallow up appointment.

The test include a diabetes test and 6 others that I have no idea what they are. The doc started to explain one of them as “stuff inserted into the skin to see what happens”, which sounds horrible, but he didn’t really finish his explanation so who knows.  We will find out on Monday what all these test will involve.

I’m excited to be getting some more detailed testing, but also uneasy about the results. As per typical Whitney, it’s not the bad news that scares me, it’s the no news. I hate having problems, having them looked into, and still having no answers. This seems to happen to me a lot.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. You rock!

God is good through it all

I am sitting in “my” room at the Ayers house pondering life and death. My family is currently on their way to my Grandmothers viewing. I am not with them because we felt that my health was not well enough to make the trip safely.  I am so very sad to be missing out on such an important event.  I hate it that I’m missing saying goodbye in a proper way. I hate it that I’m missing the precious family time. I hate it that I’m missing the crying and the laughing. It just feels wrong not to be there. But, all the same, God has really given me a peace about being where I am right now. I am thankful for the Ayers letting me stay here and providing a peaceful atmosphere for my heart to rest in.

I feel like it hasn’t really sunk in that my grandmother is dead.  My mind is other places right now. Right now I am more upset about missing family time. I think surrounding oneself with family is part of mourning. It becomes a process you do together. I like that.

Lord, I am happy to be in Your will right now, even if it goes against mine. Thank you for providing peace. Please hold the hearts of my family, especially my father, as they go through the process of loss.  Thank You for the promise of Heaven. You are more wonderful then my mind understands, but my heart can feel Your goodness.

God is good and His will is always perfect. I can live in peace through that.