God Is Big Enough

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Watching the World Go By

May 9, 2013 at 9:49pm

Watching the World Go By
This goes out to all my peeps who are suffering through (not from. We suffer THROUGH!) a long term illness.

I watch the world go by
It seems so strong and so fast and so much more than I can handle
I watch the world go by
I watch it grow up and old without me. I’m still 19, waiting for my dreams to show up
I watch the world go by
She gets thin, he gets distinguished, I get sickly
I watch the world go by
It’s beautiful, its breath taking. I want so much to jumpin, but I’m too weak yet
Maybe someday
I watch the world go by
Everybody gains new skills; they say I gain new “attributes”
You know what you got to do to gain a new attribute… suffer
I watch the world go by
I want to stop it. Tell it to just hold up a min. Tell my nephews and nieces to stop growing up so I can play with them more while they are still young, tell my friends to stop getting married so I can enjoy their company while they are still available to me, tell my parents to stop putting their lives on hold for me…
I watch the world go by
I cry myself to sleep because he left me for some other, more healthy girl, leaving me in love with a dream.
I watch the world go by
I watch it twirl so fast it makes my head spin with it, as I put pill after pill, poison after poison in my body, just to survive.
I watch the world go by
Can’t help but wonder, wonder what my life would be like without this thorn in my side.
I watch the world go by
I watch the cancer patients in the hospital and I realize what an honor it is to smile for them. They don’t get many kind eyes these days.
I watch the world go by
As I sit for 16 hours with an IV dripping slowly, painfully into my veins. Is it worth it? I don’t know.
I watch the world go by
And I see all the growth I’ve gone through. All the things I’ve learned about life and love and death and suffering. Not much really, but maybe still more than most. Maybe enough for me to be who I was created to be.
I watch the world go by
I see so many suffering so much more than I. Who am I to complain about something so small as a disease?
I watch the world go by
And I KNOW with all my heart that my God loves me.
You want to know how I know?
Because He is right here
Watching the world go by with me.
We watch the world go by
We watch the world go by.

(You know we sick people are just like everyone else; we have our good days and our bad. Some days you’re overwhelmed by the sadness and the loneliness of it all, and other day’s you’re filled with hope and joy and excitement.Some days are both. Ha!
I live an extremely blessed life and most of the time I live feeling that blessed. It’s not all doom and gloom, but life does have its dark moments.
Every day is a different line; every season a new chapter. I have no idea the details of how any of our books are gonna end, but I know mine ends where it all started, with Jesus. I hope you know yours ends there too. If you don’t know where your book ends, hit me up and maybe we can talk about it a little. I’d like that.)

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Update on Whit 4-16-13

April 16, 2013 at 3:28pm

Hey my FB people,
It’s been a long time since I’ve written an update and I have a bit of brain power so I thought I’d try and write quick and tell you all about what God’s doing in my life right now.
This winter has been hard and long. Now that the trees are starting to bud and it smells like sweet dirt outside, I’m getting a bit of spring fever in my heart,spirit and body. I’m supposed to be resting as much as possible right now and I’m fighting to stay down more so I can heal up faster but spring fever has me wanting to be out and about more. Dangerous mix! Ha!
I got to go to New York a few weeks ago to visit a very dear and very sick friend and that was so good for my soul and attitude, but also a good reminder that I need to rest my body since, weeks later, I feel like my body is still trying to recover. It’s always been a hard fight for me to find the line between how much to do and how much to rest. Right now, I just want to go everywhere and do everything!!! Silly Whitney! J
About a month ago I was told that the Lyme disease is eating away at a section of my neck. I now wear a neck brace when I’m out and about, especially in the car because it’s very painful to hold my own neck up right now. I have faith that the doctors are wrong and this is a temporary problem and isn’t going to be a problem forever.

I’m currently not doing any lyme treatment because the antibiotics I was on weren't helping and all the natural stuff we have tried, I just throw up. This is frustrating because I’m having to fight so hard every day to keep going, all the while knowing I’m not getting better. I currently spend 8-20 hours a day hooked up to an IV. That is the way I get fluids. Without it I don’teat. Thankfully, I have a new pump that makes it’s possible to medicate while I sleep. I’m not used to the noise of the pump yet so I don’t sleep well, but we are working on it. I’m so thankful to be able to medicate at night! It’s such a great gift!

My heart and my spirit over all are doing well. I’ve had to fight for joy so much more than I’m ever had to this winter and I still have my moments of deep sorrow. But I’ve been learning so much about what it means to trust the will of God and to fight for hope and not just let my feelings control my days. I know that my God has a great destiny for me and that works one day at a time and learning to live in the moment and stop trying to control the future so much.

Some days are great and happy and I love to just sit and pray and be with my God. Other days are hard and I have to really fight for my life and for my hope, but I am happy and I am doing well.

I get really overwhelmed sometimes with writing and keeping up with everyone and I’ve lost a lot of really great friends this winter, but I’m thankful for those who have stood by me and for those who have prayed even when I have trouble communicating back very much.

My God is Good!
I live a blessed life!
I am so thankful for each day I’m given.
God bless everyone!

My friend Ana and I in New York.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

I, Love to love you, Baby!

April 24, 2013 at 7:15pm

This afternoon has been one of those afternoons where I’m really fighting the “Whaaaaaa….. I hate being sick and no one understands me” mindset. I was busy this morning which means I’m in a lot of pain this afternoon. I’m used to this reality but it still bothers me sometimes. I was doing my best to read a little (which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't) and the words were just jumping off of the page at me. My book is a collection of sermons from all sorts of wonderful people. The one I was on today happen to be by Joni Eareckson Tada. (appropriate for my mood) She was talking about how we always have all these questions about why God let’s bad things happen to good people and why a gracious God lets the world suffer so. Her answer was that there are no answers, but there is love. God is the answer. The reasons WHY things happen don’t matter, but the love God has for us through everything is what really matters in life. Now, go ahead and judge me if you want but I was listening to Beyoncé’ while I was reading and this song came on that, I’m not sure was originally meat for this,but my God is funny and tends to use music to speak to me. There is this line in the song that repeats “I love to love you, Baby”. Like I said, I’m not sure that is what Beyoncé meant but I heard God’s voice through it to my heart. I've been pretty fussy the last… oh… 9 months and the more upset about life I get, the farther away from God’s love I feel. Today I got to read about God’s grace through trials and hear God’s voice through Beyoncé singing “I, Love to love you, Baby”. Do you hear that? The God who made the universe not only loves me but He loves to love me. And I happen to know that loving me can be hard sometimes when I’m freaking out or doubting everything, but God loves to love me. How cool is that?

The last 9 months of my life have been hard, they are still hard, but I am loved by a great and powerful God. I need nothing else to rest my hope on than Him. I know my healing will come. I know my love will come. I know that the things that God has promised me will happen in this life or the next, but in the meantime I am learning more and more to rest in the fact that God loves to love me just where I am right now, today, upset or not.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

God won’t give me more until...

February 26, 2013 at 12:00pm

I was thinking this morning about the phrase “God won’t give you more until you learn to be content with what you have”. Growing up I always associated this with money and maybe things/stuff but this morning I’m digging a little deeper. What if I apply that phrase to other areas of my life? What if God won’t give me more spiritual awareness until I learn to properly utilize the awareness I have? What if God won’t give me more emotional maturity until I learn to stop wasting what I have? This morning I was upset and did something very immature. One could argue that I was upset and it was understandable but really the truth of it is that I need to grow up and learn to use the maturity that God has given me. I have not learned yet how to handle my emotions at the level of maturity I have right now. I don’t think it’s that I need to be more mature, I think I need to learn to use the maturity I have now before God will give me a new level. I could be wrong; I’m just thinking it all through today.
And what about spiritual awareness? I always want to be more in tune with the voice of my God. I’m always seeking to be better at hearing God and understanding the spiritual atmosphere. Maybe I’m as good at those things as I can handle right now. Maybe I need to learn to USE those skills and act and obey the voice of my God before He will let me be more in tune.

I have a nephew who's one. I don't think he needs to be more mature than he is. He doesn't need to understand death or be able to handle the concepts of comunnion or baptisum. His job right now is to learn to deal with the level he's at. He is learning now how to not cry when he doesn't get his way. He's learning what happened when he speaks (or grunts) in anger back at mommy. He's learning how to deal with the level he's already at. I THINK that's what I need to do. I think I need to learn to deal with the level of stuff God already has me at and stop trying so hard to get to the next level all the time when I'm clearly not done grasping hwo to handle the emotions and spiritual stuff I understand and deal with now.

I don’t know. What do you think guys?

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Update 1-24-13

January 24, 2013 at 1:44pm

Hey my people,
A lot of you have asked for updates from me and you haven’t gotten one. SORRY! The reason you haven’t heard from me is that my brain is broken. I’ve had a lot of trouble thinking through stuff this last week. It’s hard for me to finish thoughts and getting my brain on paper or even in text form has not been my best skill.

BUT, I love how much you guys care and want to know how I am so I’m gonna work on this and see what I can get out even if it takes me a long time. (I started this note in March, 2011. Ha! Just kidding)

Ok So I was in the hospital for 5 days, 2 weeks ago for a seizure study. LONG, COOL SOTRY! (Hopefully I’ll get to it soon) The short answer to how that went is that it was crazy hard, but God did some cool things while I was there. We are still working on getting into seeing my Doctor to get full results but I was told before I was released that I am not epileptic but I do have epileptic seizures. (Yeah, I have no idea how that works) They took me off of my seizure med and started me on a new one. I have only twitched once since then (amazing!) but I am having a lot of mental problems on the new med. For about 2 hours after I take it (twice a day) I pretty much have to stay away from people because I feel like everyone is going to slap me. I also almost have a mental break down if someone asks me a question in this time. It’s strange. But it doesn’t last and I am learning to time it right so I am alone when I take it in the morning and sleeping soon after I take it at night. Works pretty well.

As far as my stutter goes, that depends on the day. Somedays I am pretty good. I have a stutter but it’s not too distracting or frustrating and I can communicate well. Most days though it’s pretty bad and talking takes so much energy and gives me a bad headache. On bad days my intonation is missing and I feel like my vocabulary is stunted when I try and think. It’s hard to communicate and I try and talk as little as possible so my head doesn’t fall off. I am working on finding a speech therapist (not happy) & I am learning more and more signs every day so I can sign instead of talk when my head hurts. This is not as helpful as one would think at first since no one else understands signs, but that’s ok. My family and I know each other well enough that we can make up our own signs and communicate pretty well. You all would be very amused at some of the signs my father comes up with. Haha!

I’ve been having a lot of trouble being cold all the time. My room has the sun and its own heater and I can get it about 82 in here and I’ll still sit here and shiver. I hate this. It’s so annoying and I have trouble getting stuff done when I’m so cold.

BUT I am happy! Really happy. I am coming out of a very dark season and I am learning to be thankful for so much and to live in the moment God has given me and stop freaking out about the past or the future. It is nice to be getting some of my joy back at long last!

I love you all so much! I’m so sorry it’s hard for me to keep up with you all right now, but know that I love you and pray for you all so much!
Whit

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Health Update

December 25, 2012 at 6:22pm

My dear friends,
I wanted to write d update you all on some health issues I have going on right now. Not many people know yet and it will likely stay that way for a while. It is very hard for me to write right now and it takes me a long time so I am going to try and keep to point.

My port is broken and very painful. After 6 ½ hours in the ER on Saturday we are going to see my surgeon tomorrow (Wednesday). It is likely it will need to be replaced but we are praying for a miracle and that this one will last.

My seizures have been increasing over the last month. Saturday night I had the worst and longest ever. I have no memory of this, but when my parents found me they said I was speaking with a strong stutter and very hard to understand. It’s 3 days later and I still have a bad stutter although my family says it sounds like it’s getting better. It is VERY hard for me to think through sentences and talking gives me like an ice cream headache. Today I am working on learning sign language and other hand gestures to make it easier and less painful to communicate. (Also less frustrating for my family since it takes me a long time to get a word out and it's not always the one I meant to say)

I get admitted into the UofT hospital on the 7th of January for a 5-7 day seizure study to try and find out what is going on. I’m excited about it but I’m sure it will be hard to be off all my meds for that long.

My dear cousin is getting married on the 5th and my brother and I are the photographers. I have been SOOOOO excited about this event and have felt very faith filled that God will give me the health I need to get through it. Please be praying that I can be a full blessing that day and can do my job properly.

I am having a hard time thinking clearly and get confused easily. Because of this I haven’t been able to write or text much and clearly talking is almost impossible so I’m really sorry I have been so quiet and will most likely stay that way for a bit. If you have questions feel free to ask and I will try to answer. You can always call my parents at (419) 452-7212 or text my sister at (419) 551-8836 and they can answer stuff too.

I love you all and just want you to know how thankful I am to have people in my life who are faithful to pray and patient with me and understanding of each new, strange season.

I am happy and blessed and doing my best to face these challenges while living out God’s great grace.

Merry Christmas my dear, dear loved ones!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Surgery Update

Surgery update

September 28, 2012 at 10:35am

Hey everybody,
First off I apologize too all you people who got a billion text from me complaining about how loud my house was. I do tend to ramble after anesthesia. :-) I really did have like Spiderman hearing yesterday. We think it’s because of the patch they put on my ear to help with nausea. Speaking of which, I always throw up a lot after surgery and I haven’t thrown up one single time. They gave me three different meds to keep my stomach calm and IT WORKED! I have even eaten!

My understanding is that the meds will be out of system by about tomorrow and my stomach will be back to its “normal” upset self, but I am really enjoying this non sick time.

Surgery was a bit difficult but they got a port in. I didn’t have much fat for them to work with (bad) and I had too much scar tissue so they put my port in higher than the last few.

My tongue got cut from my breathing tube which really hurts but my biggest problem is that I apparently got two dislocated ribs. I’m not really sure how they dislocated but it’s pretty bad. We don’t know what to do about this since I can’t ride in the car well or have anyone touch my torso without crying, so getting ribs put back in place sounds like torture. We are still praying about what we should do about this since it’s very hard for me to breath.

I am so deeply thankful that they were able to get the port in which I KNOW is thanks to God’s grace in response to the prayers of all of you. Thank you so much for all your sweet, encouraging words and wonderful prayers.
My God Is Big Enough!
Much love,
whit

Surgery prep face

Surgery prep face

Beautiful flowers my dear Little Sweet brought me!

The after