Medication hesitation and being like Christ.

I’m sitting in my room playing with my full IV bag. I should be medicating right now but after an 11 day brake, I’m not eager to begin again. It’s so so nice not having to medicate. Yes, I have still taken all my other medications, but the IV is painful, and it takes a lot longer to infuse then it does to pop a pill.   I always seem to have this problem after a long break.  It’s hard to go back to slavery when you’ve tasted freedom. OK, so it’s not really that bad, I’m just being fussy.  This is one of those moments where I feel very unbrave.  It’s been a hard, but also edifying week. I’ve thrown up a lot this week which I really hate. I had to miss out on another Christmas dinner because of a liver attack which always breaks my heart and the attacks leave me weak and weary. But, I got to go visit my grandparents and beautiful cousin whom I haven’t seen in a long time. It was so nice to be with them, but has left me very worn and tired.  Another of this week’s problems is that I’m not sleeping much. Some nights I barely make it to an hour of decent rest. I’m honestly not sure how much longer I can endure this part.
But, dispute my lack of sleep and medication hesitation, I really do feel so blessed tonight. I’m not in a ton of pain nor am I throwing up today and those are the things that really matter to me. I am thankful! 
My head and heart are spinning tonight with so many thoughts. I don’t feel wrapped up in them, but simply distracted by them. I want to know and understand the full truth of the thoughts I feel like I’m only skimming across. I want to know what it truly means to be Christ-like.  Would Jesus read more and watch less? Would Jesus speak more boldly or perhaps more gently? One thing I know for sure is that Jesus spoke life. I’m really on a kick about this right now. I want my words to be pure truth but also encouraging and perhaps even challenging.  I want to speak life into my family and friends. I want my conversations to be things people look forward to and we both grow from, even if it’s a health conversation or any other difficult subject.

Lord, I really have no idea how to do this. Please guard my words and may I speak only truth and only life.

I think this is perhaps one of those What Goes In Must Come Out kind of situations. Perhaps part of speaking truth is reading it, listening to it and being around it. I am liking this idea. I’m liking it a lot. 

Ok, God, what would You have me read? What would You have me listen to and watch?  Let’s just go all the way shall we? What would You have me eat? What about the people and topics I speak with and about? Lord, I want Your heart for my time and my actions. Lead me not only onward but upward. Lead me not only onward but upward. Lead me not only onward, but upward!