I hate...

When I first realized that it was time to shave my head before there was no hair left to donate, I assumed I would cry a lot when it came right down to it.  Thanks to God’s grace and an amazing support system I didn’t cry at all and never did… until today.  It’s been a really hard few days for me.  I’ve cried more in the last 2 days then I think I have in the last two months.  Tonight I got in the shower, mostly just to be by myself for awhile.  I went to clean my hair/scalp when I saw my old shampoo sitting on the bathtub ledge. On a whim I decided to use it even though I’m fully aware that I don’t need “body building lotus flowers.”  As soon as I opened the bottle and the familiar sent filled the bathroom I started crying.  In a very overwhelming and unexpected moment I fell to my knees in a puddle of tears, suddenly aware of all the things my health has taken from me. This was about more then just my hair, although I will admit that I was very much missing my long, blond hair in that moment.  The water was cold on my back and my sentimental shampoo was running into my eyes. This was not my finest moment but it was real and it was honest and I think it was important for me.  Sometimes I think I try so hard to be brave and OK that I miss out on my real emotions. It’s not that I’m wondering around lying to everyone, it’s just that I fight really hard not to dwell on things and to think positive.  This evening in the shower something in my just snapped. The box of all my negative emotions split open and I was forced to face them head on.   It hasn’t been that long since I got out of the shower so I haven’t really had a lot of time to work through things, but I’m oddly relieved to know and have sort of confessed to myself that I hate having short hair and I hate missing the friends and future I lost. I hate not working and not driving. I hate not being able to take care of my friends and family like I used to. I hate not really having an active hobby. I hate dealing with my learning disabilities. I hate feeling isolated. I hate not worshiping with other people every week like normal people. I hate not being able to concentrate sometimes. I hate being tied down to pills and diets. I hate doctors appointments. I hate invisible pain. I hate not being thin anymore. I hate feeling useless.  I hate relying on others so much.  I hate not having any money all the time. I hate my lack of creativity… the list could go on forever and ever.  I hate hating all these things, but this is where I am right now and ya know, that’s ok. I serve a God who loves me no matter what I hate. I serve a God who has promised me a hope and a future. I serve a God who knew earth would be hard for me so He promised me heaven. I serve a God who finds creative ways to show me He loves me when I start ignoring the obvious ones. I serve a God who loves me enough to not let me rely on anything of the earth, but teaches me patiently to put my faith in Him and Him alone. I serve a God who made me and knows my body better then any doctor.  I am blessed.

I’m still having a hard night and I know I have a lot to work through yet, but I also know that God will be here to help me through it all. He is here to hold me hand through whatever and here to carry me when I can no longer walk.  Thank You Lord!