Through it all

Last night I fell asleep to the sound of crying in my house. This morning I woke up to a text informing me that tragedy had struck another friend.  It seems that there has not been a moment of peace for the Heeres house so far in 2011.  I am definitely not enjoying this year so far.  Through it all I so desperately want to hang onto joy. I know that when someone dies, morning must be part of the process. I know that when someone brakes your heart there is going to be a wound to mend.  I’m not asking to skip the hard stuff, I just want to be better at hanging onto joy through it all.  Life is hard. That’s all there is to it, but God has given us His holy spirit to speak gently to our hearts. The Bible says that God has peace that transcends all understanding ready and waiting to guard our hearts and minds. Joy (not happiness) waits in the presents of my Savior.

Last night I went to bed sad. This morning I woke up sad. I’ve been awake for a while now and I’m still sad. This is not good!

Like I said, I don’t wish to skip over the hard stuff. I am thankful for the trials and struggles in life. Without them I would not learn, I would not grow.  People say this earth is just a training ground for heaven. In heaven there are no more tears, no more sorrow.  I would very much like to train for that part now. Sigh… deep down, at the core of who I am, I know without question that my God is good and that I am right where I belong in the palm of His hand. But on the surface, in the moment that is today, I feel overwhelmed without understanding of the bigger picture.  Last night I caught myself saying to God “Why are you doing this to me?”.  It’s a perfectly legitimate question, but I do not expect God to answer it. God knows better then to give in to the tantrum of His children.  I think of it as a parent with a sick kid. They go to the hospital and the Doctor says it’s going to take a shot of medication to get the child well again. The parents knows the shot is going to cause their child pain and that the child is not old enough to understand the reasons for the harsh poke, but it must be done. The parents stand in tears as a nurse holds down their screaming child. It’s heart braking, but it’s necessary. The child looks desperately at the parents with fear in their eyes, but the parents know they must not stop the process.  God knows when my soul is sick. He knows it will take a trial to teach me the lesson I lack. He watches with tears in His eyes as I go through pain I don’t understand. He listens intently to my questions and faithful answers those I will understand the answers to, but the answers I will not understand He omits.  He needs me to trust that this pain is only temporary and worth every horrible moment. The child will not get better without the shot and I will not grow into who I was created to be without the trial.

Lord, I really don’t know why You have chosen to put me through this current struggle. It makes me angry. But I do know that You would not do it without good reason and I trust that You will be with me through to the other side.  Thank You for being so faithful to continue to give me opportunity to trust You.  Teach me to have joy through the struggle. Teach me to stay the best part of myself even when life is bringing me down. My life is in Your hands and I want nothing more then for it to stay there.

You Are Big Enough!